To be a product of the times is simply to be a product of the prevailing cultural, social, biological, economic and other environmental forces that happen to be dominant during the era when you are alive. It basically implies that you as an individual are less powerful than the forces that surround you, and hence the surrounding forces that mold you as a person, and not your sense of own inner direction…read full article
Sometimes we can find ourselves feeling insecure about a particular issue in our life. It might be our age, our looks, giving a speech or talk in public, what somebody may have said about us, finding a relationship, or not losing it if we have one. Our children, or work, the list goes on endlessly.
One of the keys to dealing with our insecurity is to realize that, even if we were to find a relief from the particular insecurity that we are feeling at the moment, often as not, rather than experiencing an absence of insecurity, our insecure mind simply seeks out something else to feel insecure and frightened about…read full article
“I am not the center of the universe; but I am the center of my universe”
Dear <<First Name>>,
This week’s article explores the relationship between mindful self-responsibility & receiving help from others. Another way of thinking about this is the interface between your intra-personal dynamic (relation to self), & your inter-personal dynamic (relation to others & the world). I hope you enjoy it!
In the spirit of self-determination,
Toby
Being self-determining vs receiving help
You are not the center of the Universe, but you are the center of your life
I’ve written quite a lot in the past about becoming a self-determining entity. Self-determination means recognizing that you are the most powerful force in your life (not in the universe, just your life!), and to take ownership of that power. This then enables you to direct your life creatively toward the good. It means recognizing two positions that help to balance each other:
I am the centre of my universe, so what I chose and do is of vital and central importance to my life. It’s not anyone else’s job to ‘save’ me, I need to be the master of my own ship!
Becoming self-directed
‘No one is coming to save me’ is one of my ‘quotes to live by’. I find that in difficult situations, stopping looking outside of myself for help and just focusing on what I can control, and what I can do for myself is both calming and empowering. It is not a shutting off from outside help, it is just a clear recognition that it’s really my job to look after my life and its direction. It’s not:
Not my Mum’s job
Not my partners
Not my business-partners
Not my children
Not my friends
Not my boss’s
Not my employees
It’s my job and responsibility to work through and work out the challenges in my life to the best of my ability, and I do in fact have some ability!
Although no one is coming to save me, many people may like to help!
Becoming self-directed means that we are not looking for someone outside of ourself to save us, and we are doing what we can to move forward in our life challenges. The paradox of this is that, when other people see us being like this, it is an attractive quality. People tend to like and even feel inspired by others that they see being pro-active, intentional, and taking responsibility for themselves. Consequently, even though we may not be asking for help, quite often we find friends, family and colleagues offering help and assistance freely and happily. So, there is a virtuous cycle that gets established between being self-determining and receiving help.
Abandoning your power, cutting yourself off from assistance?
There are two ‘extreme’ positions that we are trying to avoid here:
Being a victim, not trying to help ourselves effectively, and over-asking, or expecting others to solve our challenges
Becoming so narrow in our sense of self-determination that we cut ourself off from the assistance of others, even if it is freely offered, and would be of help to us
Being self-determining doesn’t exclude ever asking for help, or accepting it when offered. It just means that we are taking solid responsibility for ourself, and being personally pro-active. Becoming self-determining even includes getting good at asking for help when appropriate.
In conclusion then, being a self-determining person, and receiving / asking for help can be seen as complementary capacities that when put together make our life both easier and fuller of creative potential!
“Reduce your device time & increase time spent enquiring into interdependence to go from feeling ‘over-connected & lonely’ to ‘Inter-connected & supported’”
Dear Integral Meditators,
I’ve recently facilitated some corporate workshops on ‘Digital Detox for Corporate Professionals: Reclaiming Focus and Productivity’. Creating this workshop & seeing people’s response to it has really opened my eye’s to how chronic the problems around overuse of devices are for us these days. In the article below I explore a simple flip to go from ‘over-connected, overwhelmed & lonely’ to ‘inter-connected & supported’. I hope you enjoy it!
I’m almost completed with the new meditation programs starting in August/September, you can see the full line up in the Whats On section beneath the article.
In the spirit of connected,
Toby
Inter-connected or over-connected?
What is my relationship to the world? Is a question is one worth asking yourself and seeing what sort of answers and perceptions come back to you. Your sense of your relationship to the world is fundamental, it forms the basis of most of your other perceptions, choices and experiences in life. For many people, the temptation is to experience ourself as someone coming into life from the outside, an outsider who dies not belong, and has to ‘fight’ to earn their place. Life is a battle to belong, rather than an enjoyment of your sense of already belonging. A ’flip’ that I continue to enjoy is that of being born from life, rather than into it. To quote from a previous article on the subject:
“Our relationship to it is like that of an apple or a leaf to an apple tree. The apple emerges from the Life of the tree itself, not as something separate from the tree. The life of the tree gives rise to the apple. The apple arises from the tree itself, in the same way that the tree came from the life in the apple that it grew from. You are like the apple being born from the apple tree. The life in you is a part of Life, you are an expression of Life, and Life is you.”
Being ‘born from life’ gives us a sense of effortless belonging, which is a great and un-lonely place to begin feeling into our connection of self-to-world.
We can strengthen our sense of feeling connected to the world by seeing, through contemplation, the way in which we are all interconnected. There are innumerable ways in which we can do this, to give three short examples:
I am writing this article on my parents dining table. To be able to use this table I rely on the carpenters that made it, the wood supplier, the trees it came from (and by implication the forest, not to mention my parents’ hospitality!
I can do the same thing with the computer that I am writing on; so many people involved in the supply chains that put the machine together, created the software and so forth, for me to then buy and use relatively effortlessly
I’ve just finished a coffee whilst writing. Again, to get the coffee to me relies upon the water from the tap, the coffee supply chain, the supermarket, the coffee plant, the land that the coffee plant grew on…
In any aspect of my life, if I start to look at the interdependence that doing what I am doing relies upon, my wisdom-eyes open, and I start to see how intimately and fully I am connected to everything else in the world. From this comes gratitude of course, but also a fundamental reduction in my loneliness. I am always inter-connected, and in this way never alone in a lonely way!
Over-connected & lonely
The above two states of being and feeling interconnected contrast sharply with the experience of many people who are what you might call ‘over-connected’ through their phones and being online all the time. Our devices enable us to be ‘connected’ and ‘in-touch’ all the time, however this experience paradoxically leads many to feel lonely, left-out (and afraid of being left out), isolated and yet compulsively over-connected.
A few practice points:
Reduce, and manage wisely the amount of time you stay connected to the world through your devices
Use the amount of time you save from reduced device time to develop the wisdom of interconnectedness and belonging outlined in sections one and two of this article. This wisdom does not need to be hard work, it’s really just about grounding yourself in the recognition of it. Your inter-connection is fed easily and gently by the recognition!
“If I am well connected to my inner teenager, then I can draw upon his innate curiosity, ambition and appetite for life in a way that other middle-aged folk who lack a vital connection to their inner teenager cannot!”
Dear Integral Meditators,
This week’s article explores the inner teenage-self, and how to work with him/her therapeutically in mindfulness. If you enjoy it then come along to this Tuesday & Wednesday’s Summer solstice meditation, where in a part of it we will be exploring our connection to this part of our self.
The teenage, or young-adult self is a part of our psychological being that has received less attention than the ‘inner child’, but nevertheless represents an equally important part of our ‘inner family’ that we can be rewarded for greatly by paying a little attention to. What I’d like to do in this article is to share a story about my own process around this from earlier in the year that illustrates in practical terms this type of work. Before I tell the story, it is going to be useful I think to give working definition of our inner teenager, so here is one from Nathaniel Branden:
The teenage-self; is the component of the psyche containing the “personality” of the adolescent one once was, with that teenager’s range of values, emotions, needs, and responses; not a generic teenager or universal archetype, but a specific, historical one, unique to an individual’s history and development.
A general observation about our teenage-self, ideally it is good to have expressed our teenager in our teens, and gotten a lot of her/his behaviour out of our system when we were actual teenagers. However, if we didn’t, and we still sense a part of ourself that is ‘stuck’ at that level, then it is good to be able to draw her/him out consciously, and find ways that they can rebalance themselves in our current, later stage of life.
So here is my story. In January I spent a little bit of time just being present to my inner teenager, checking in and seeing how he was. One of the things that came out of this was an awareness of how scared of failure he had been at various times. This is natural; teenagers are often self-conscious, and care about what others think. Consequently, if they try something and are rejected, or fail in front of others, then this can feel like a big deal! So, you can imagine I find myself engaging with memories of my teenage years involving that fear of failure, of embarrassing moments when I tried something and failed, or when said something that, shortly after I judged as ‘stupid’. I am sure that you will have similar moments from your teenage years that you can related to this!
After having this experience, I practiced simply being with my teenage-self, and re-assuring him that it’s ok to fail, that it was good that he tried things even when it didn’t work out, and that it’s not the big deal that he experienced it to be at the time. I did a little bit of journalling, a little bit of sentence completion as well as visualization. I felt that he seemed to receive this well, and appeared brighter and lighter when I saw him with me in my inner vision. The curious thing about this process was that, whilst going through it I felt myself to be conducting myself in daily activities in a lighter, less worried manner. Unconscious tension that I may have still had in my system from my teenage years felt much reduced, daily life became easier and more carefree. It literally became more fun and less stressful to be me!
So, this is a good example of how using therapeutic mindfulness to work through previous stages of one’s life, in this case my teenage years and my present inner-teenager, can have a tangible and positive effect on the present and our experiences of it.
Tantric meditation is a tradition of meditation originating primarily, but not solely in the east. It emphasizes the unity of body, sensuality, and spirit. In some of its forms it stops at the awakening of a sense of the Body-as Spirit. In it’s more complete forms it takes this sense of embodied spirituality, merging it with transcendent consciousness to create the path to a fully awakened, non-Dual state. This article outlines a combination of basic witnessing with simple Tantra to supercharge your meditation, and your energy levels.
Deeper into Witnessing – Transcending and including
Basic witness practice is sitting in meditation as the observer self, detaching in a healthy way from the contents of your consciousness. You simply hold this position and practice watching calmly. Deeper witnessing involves developing the capacity to:
Transcend the content of your consciousness by witnessing
Simultaneously include and embrace that content in an unconditionally warm and loving manner
One analogy for this is that you witness like the sun, which shines its light objectively on the world, whilst simultaneously embracing it with its warmth.
Bliss and Love, your basic Tantric ingredients
Love and inclusion
Breathe into your heart and feel the natural, original Love there. Experience it as an embracing warmth and care that builds and grows as you breathe. Let your body soften to this feeling, so that it as you stay centred in Love. A nice object of meditation here is the Rumi line: “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” Altered to focus on Love: “You are not a drop of love in the ocean. You are the entire ocean of Love in a drop.”
Bliss and transcendence
Breathe into your lower-belly, sacral region and sexual organs. Connect to the basic Bliss of your Life-force in the body. This is the basic bliss that, when activated biologically becomes sexual attraction, and ‘peaks’ in the experience of orgasm. Breathe and let the feeling of bliss build a bit in your loins. Then imagine this Blissful feeling rising as an energy from your sexual organs to the base of the spine, and then up the spine and back of the head to your crown. Feel a ball of light building above your crown, filled with transcendent Bliss and the freedom that comes with it.
Creating a Love-Bliss Witness
Bring the ball of transcendent Bliss down from your crown to your heart, where it merges with the inclusive, all-embracing Love. So, you have a feeling of Love-Bliss-Consciousness at your heart. Now identify your True Witness Self as being Consciousness composed of these two qualities; Transcendent Bliss and an All-inclusive Love. With this set up you can then either:
Witness the content of your consciousness with this Love-Bliss Witness or
Rest in the ocean or sky-like experience of the Witness itself, enjoying the feeling of blissful ‘Fullness & Emptiness’
A final position here is then to practice viewing the content that you are witnessing as arising from the Ocean of your Bliss-Love Witness, not two things, but one thing arising simultaneously, which gives you an approach to a Non-Dual expereince. Once you are familiar with the above practice, you can ‘short-cut’ sometimes by generating the Bliss in your sacral region, and then just feeling it rise-up directly to meet the Love in your heart. But going up to the crown and then down again has the initial advantage of mixing the Bliss with the freedom of higher levels of consciousness available at the crown.
“There are five types of meditator; the Shaman, the Yogi, the Siddha, the Saint & the Non-Dual”
Dear Integral Meditators,
The article below outlines a ‘map’ of different types of meditator within the traditional world wisdom traditions. It’s useful to have categories like this when reflecting upon what type of meditation practice you might like to create for yourself, and also how different schools of meditation fit within each other.
Also, Saturday’s deep-dive meditation focuses upon the Non-Dual, and is entitled “The World within Me, environmental Non-Duality”.
In the spirit of wisdom,
Toby
Five types of meditator – Shaman to Non-Dual
One way of dividing meditation into types is by identifying categories of meditator, according to the level or dimension of reality that they predominantly focus their efforts on. There are of course traditions of meditation that cross over or combine these different types. If you know what they are, you can identify what types of meditation you want to bring into your own practice, and enjoy making combinations according to your aspiration.
The Shamans were the original meditators, so to speak. The first humans to start looking inwards and reflecting. Correspondingly, they met the first domain of consciousness that you come across when you go beyond the physical, the Bio-energetic, or subtle physical/psychic. Shamanic meditation therefore emphasizes communion with the forces of nature & mother Earth. Within this they encounter animal guides, nature spirits, dream-world journeys and so on. Because Shamanism emphasizes psychic/ bio-energetic practice, quite often they come across as quite ‘powerful’ as their energetic presence is tangibly amplified.
Type two, the Yogi
Yogic practices emphasize the development of the higher dimensions of the psychic or energy body, and the corresponding subtle, expanded dimensions of consciousness associated with them. Kundalini yoga, mantra and chakra-type meditations are examples of this type of meditation. A practitioner of these types of meditation could be characterised as often having a very ‘blissful’ often loving presence.
Type three, the Siddha
The Siddha emphasizes meditation on the ‘Causal’ level of consciousness, or the formless, timeless emptiness that lies beyond all levels of mind, whether gross or subtle. There are many examples of this type of meditator within the Buddhist and Hindu traditions. These meditators might be thought of as being characterised by a ‘Mountainous equanimity’ or even-mindedness coming from the state of consciousness they emphasize.
Type four, the Saint
The ‘Saintly’ traditions of meditation emphasize the ‘Pure Witness Observer’ as their meditation practice, the omnipresent ‘Self’ or ‘I AM’ that accompanies every moment of or experience of life. These types of meditator might be experienced as having a particular ‘peaceful, loving freedom’ that you sense in their presence. This comes from embodying of the pure witness consciousness that they emphasize in their practice.
Type five, the Non-Dual meditator
The Non-Dual meditator emphasizes meditation on the ‘not-two’, or Unitive aspect of reality. It’s scope is inclusive of all levels of consciousness, and so can be practiced on the physical, mental, or causal (formless-consciousness) levels. This type of meditation is more of a ‘relaxing into a recognition’ style of meditation, rather than one where you try to change from one state of meditation into another. This is because Non-Duality is a state (like the previous stage of the Witness) that is present in all other states. Because Non-Dual meditation emphasizes the integration of emptiness and form, worldly and spiritual, quite often a Non-Dual mediator may come across as quite ordinary, living a worldly life surrounded by family and work. However if you sense into them a bit more closely you might notice they have a peculiar ‘same-same but different’ quality, as well as a certain type of relaxation and humour!
In my meditation coaching and training, as well as my personal practice, I emphasize the integration of different aspects of all the above, with a central focus on the Non-Dual as a ‘holding space’ for the rest. This means there is plenty of opportunity for variety and fun, whilst at the same time aiming for balance and in-depth diving into the particulars.
The meditation below is one I have been using a lot recently, its great for developing both witnessing forms of meditation and as a gateway to non-dual experience. If you enjoy it, I invite you along to both of these programs:
Mirror mind meditation is a way of developing competency in two particular domains; witnessing meditation and non-dual meditation. These two types of meditation are characterized by the fact that these two states of consciousness are always present, so the technique is really all about learning to recognize them, and then drop into them resting in this recognition. In a certain way you could say that witnessing and non-dual meditation are the deepest and most profound meditations you can do. But the nice thing about them, and the mirror mind method is that even if you are a beginner, you can get a good experience by doing them. You can meet them on the level that you are at and have a good result!
The technique
Sitting comfortably, start by centring yourself in the present moment. Begin to notice what is coming and going within your field of awareness:
On the sensory level in terms of environmental sounds and feelings within the body
On the level of mind in terms of thoughts, images, memories and their attendant emotions and moods
The spaces or gaps where you are simply ‘aware of awareness’
As you observe, notice the part of you that is observing or witnessing what is coming and going. Be this witness observer, noticing that when centred in it, you drop into a space of ‘merely observing’, or bare attention.
Now imagine your observer is a mirror sitting within your heart space (middle of chest). I sometimes like to visualise it as one of those silver, reflective disco balls. All it does is reflect back what it sees, exactly like a mirror. It doesn’t:
Interpret
Comment on
Identify or dis-identify with
Or name
any of what it sees. It simply accepts it, like a mirror reflecting whatever is in front of it. The totality of all that comes and goes within your awareness is simply accepted, mirrored. Nothing more nothing less. So, you just drop into this mirror mind state, witnessing and reflecting that which arises. Whether your awareness is sensory, thought-based, feeling-based, empty, you just mirror it in your mirror mind!
A final stage moving into the non-dual
If you stay with your mirror mind for a while, you will notice that, although your awareness starts to become unified and singular through the mirroring, there is still a subtle gap or duality between the observer (mirror mind) and the observed (content of consciousness being mirrored). So, a final stage to the meditation is to then let the mirror mind melt into whatever arises, so that there are just ‘things arising as they are. In this state there is no observer or observed, there is only ‘just this’. It may take a while to get to a point where this last stage feels tangible or do-able, but when you are ready for it. It is an important final step in the sense that it takes the meditation from a witnessing state to a fully non-dual one.
“Imagine the Earth as an Organism, Life as an Organism, & then your Self as that Single Organism”
Dear Integral Meditators,
This week’s article is an overview of several different types of non-dual meditation, and then a way of meditating on non-duality that I find to be very effective both for beginners and more advanced practitioners.
Non-Dual meditation is really the ultimate form or meditation, I mean this in two senses:
Firstly, it is the highest or deepest realization you can attain in traditional meditation (although of course, being non-dual, it transcends ideas of ‘higher’ or deeper’)
Secondly, within the meditation traditions it is the final statement about the ‘ultimate nature’ of reality
Here are five summarized approaches to non-dual meditation
In the Madhyamika Buddhist approach to non-duality, the method is seeing and then letting go of conceptuality. If you see how concepts get in the way of meeting reality ‘as it is’ then you can move beyond them into unity consciousness
In the Yogacara school of Buddhism, the problem is seen to be objectivity, seeing things as objects outside of yourself, rather than all a part one singular unity (These first two, Madhyamika & Yogacara I spent a lot of my years as a Buddhist monk studying extensively)
In the Tibetan Dzogchen school, the challenge is the illusion of time. There is a big emphasis on realizing the one Singular and Eternal NOW moment, with objects in the moment seen as ‘ornaments of Spirit’, the one appearing as the many.
In the Vedanta tradition, the problem is described as ‘seeing many selves rather than One-Self. Peel back our layers of self-identity we discover the one I Am Presence within self, the ‘Big I’ (I-I) that lies behind the small i.
Christian contemplative meditation identifies the issue as ‘living in separation’ (the original sin). Living in separation consciousness gives rise to fear, a type if experiential self-contraction, which keeps us from experiencing the Love of God/Love of All. The emphasis here then is the practice of Unconditional Love as a path to Union with the Ultimate reality.
In my up-coming course on Non-Dual meditation, I will be covering all of these approaches in some depth. What I want to do here is give an experiential taste of non-dual meditation though what you might call ‘Organismic reality’ or experiencing Life and self as a singular organism.
Step 1 – Meditation on your own organism. Sitting with your body, notice how it naturally appears as one thing, , a single totality. Now imagine zooming into a single cell in your body, notice it appears as a single cell, but from your perspective as the whole body, you can see quite clearly that it is a single unit within a larger reality, a small self that is really part of one larger, ‘bigger self’. Step 2 – Coming back to your body, notice how it appears separate from its environment and from other bodies, separate from the rest of the Earth. Now zoom out so that your consciousness includes the whole of Planet Earth, a single Unity. Experience this natural ‘One Earth’ feeling of Unity, be it. Step 3 – Now go back to your body awareness, but feel it to be a part of the bigger, singular body of the Earth, like a cell in the body of the one Planet.
Imagine the Earth as an Organism, Life as an Organism, Your Self-as-that-Single Organism
Your physical body is a single cell in that Organism, but you in the deeper sense of your true-identity are the One Organism of Life and the Planet itself. Take this feeling of Self as the Earth, Self as the total Organism of Life. Feel and experience your actual Self as the One Life behind all of life on earth. Be that Singularity, that Non-Duality.
I hope you enjoyed this window on Non-Duality, and I invite you to come on the Non-Dual journey with me over the coming weeks!
“Seeing reality isn’t easy, because our mind throws our idea of what we think we are seeing onto what we see”
Dear Integral Meditators,
This week’s article looks at the dance between conceptual reality and reality itself. If you like the article, you are invited to come along to this week’s Tuesday & Wednesday meditation class, where we will be taking this subject as our object of meditation.
DREAMS – by Anthony De Mello “When will I be enlightened?” “When you see.” the Master said. “See what?” “Trees and flowers and moon and stars.” “But I see these everyday.” “No. What you see is paper trees, paper flowers, paper moons and paper stars. For you live, not in reality, but in your words and thoughts.” And, for good measure, he added gently, “You live a paper life alas, and will die a paper death.”
Living in your mind
A large part of the quest of meditation is to live in reality, rather than in an illusion. When we are lost in thought then the reality that we are inhabiting is essentially a fantasy reality, or a secondary, mental reality made up of words and thoughts. In the short story above, the master calls this a ‘paper’ reality, or a reality made up of paper and words, like a book. Of course it is good to develop your mind, your thinking and conceptual capability, but when this mode of experiencing takes over, dominating our daily perception and experience, you can say that we lose contact with actual reality, and become lost in paper reality.
Dualistic appearance – Even when you see things, you don’t see things
So, we can come back to the present moment, and try and experience our immediate reality, and go beyond the paper. If we do this and watch closely however, we will start to notice that it’s not quite so simple, because when we see something or somebody, our mind immediately throws our idea of what we think we are seeing onto what we see. In Buddhist philosophy, this is called dualistic appearance, or – ‘The appearance of an object to our mind together with our generic, or conceptual image of that object’. If you watch closely, you will start to see your mind doing this. It is difficult to spot at first, because it happens in a fraction of a second, and once done the object, and the idea we have ‘thrown’ onto it merge and appear as one. Dualistic appearance is like having a projector behind you, projecting mental images onto the reality that you see in front of you, like in the cinema.
Conceptual education – A part of the challenge
From a young age, the dominant mode of education for most of us is conceptual and intellectual. This makes living in a paper world doubly difficult, as we have spent A LOT of our time literally living in a paper world as we studied. By the time we finish our education, conceptual perception tends to dominate our other forms of perception, and we literally spend most of our time lost in a world of words and concepts, or ‘paper’.
Three stages to going from paper life to real life:
Notice how much of the time that you get caught up in a paper or mental world, lost in thoughts. Make a conscious effort to come back to the moment and be where you are, with what you have immediately around and within you
Notice that, even when you do this, your mind is projecting it’s ideaof what it thinks is there, onto the thing itself. Try and mindfully see that happening in real time
Practice putting down the projection, and just seeing the thing you are focused on itself, as it is, without the ‘paper’ projection
“Balanced self-awareness is the foundation of most other healthy psychological capacities, so it is well worth being consistent and persistent around”
Dear Integral Meditators,
This week’s article looks at self-awareness as an object of mindfulness; why it is important to have the right type of self-awareness, and how to begin cultivating it consistently.
Often mindfulness is associated with increased self-awareness. Implicit in this might be the assumption that all self-awareness is good self-awareness. This is something worth noting, as it is not necessarily the case.
Imbalanced or neurotic self-awareness
Here are a few examples of ways in which self-awareness can be unhelpful and/or work against us:
We could be overly self- aware, in a way that is debilitating or anxiety stimulating. For example, in social situations we could be excessively concerned about what other people may be thinking of us or how we look
We could be self-aware with non-acceptance and neurotic intention. By this I mean we can be self-aware, but unhappy with who we are, wishing we were someone else, possessing a different physical appearance or character. This self-awareness produces conflict and discomfort
We can be self-aware in a very judgmental or aggressive way, obsessing about mistakes made, or ways in which we are ‘not good enough’ or a ‘fake’
We could be self-aware, but projecting the past and future onto the present moment, so that who and what we see is not a realistic image of the person that is actually there
In all the above cases, an element of self-awareness is present, but it is not helping us, and not enjoyable. If our habitual self-awareness is like this, then then quite naturally we are then going to try and avoid self-awareness when we can, because it is such a difficult experience. We could spend our time flip-flopping between neurotic self-awareness and desperate attempts to distract ourselves and become less self-aware!
Balanced mindful self-awareness
Here are some characteristics of what balanced self-awareness looks like:
To be self-aware as an observer. By this I mean that part of good self-awareness is that we are merely aware, with a healthy degree of curious objectivity.
To be self-aware with acceptance and kind intention. By this I mean there is a deliberate effort to be at peace with the person we are in the moment, supportive of them and not at war with them. To be supportive of ourselves means to extend a basic kind and caring intention to ourselves, making this an integral part of our basic self-consciousness
With compassionate judgment. Here I mean that the inner commentary that goes with our self-awareness can express discernments and judgments, but their nature is supportive and caring, consistent with the kindness and caring intention.
Finally, our self-awareness should be onpurpose, deliberate and in the present moment. On purpose means we are conscious of the quality of our self-awareness, making it in-line with the characteristics mentioned above. In the present means being with the self or person that we are in the here and now, rather than lost in past selves or ideas of our future selves unconsciously.
There are four characteristics of balanced self-awareness that I mention above. In your own practice you can take one or two of these at a time, becoming familiar with the feel of them, and making them gradually habitual and intuitive. If we can make our self-awareness balanced, then we will start to enjoy it and trust it. When this happens, it becomes natural to want to be more self-aware, because good things come of it. Balanced self-awareness is really the foundation of almost all other healthy psychological capacities, so it is well worth being consistent and persistent around!
