Category: Meditation and Psychology

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Empowering (& then dropping) the self

“In meditation we practice both building a stronger more powerful self, and dropping, or letting go of the self. This enables us to lead ourselves consciously and strongly though our life challenges, and at the same time strategically put down our sense of self, and relax into the regenerative space arising when we do so”

Dear Integral Meditators, 

This week’s article focuses on the self, and using meditation to strengthen it in contrasting but complementary ways. If you enjoy it, then do consider participating in Becoming a self-determining entity – A six-week course in Mindful Self-Leadership which starts this Tuesday & Wednesday evenings.

In the spirit of empowering & letting go, 
 
Toby 

Breathing with your power – Empowering & then dropping the self
 
In meditation we practice both building a stronger more powerful self, and dropping, or letting go of the self. This enables us to lead ourselves consciously and strongly though our life challenges, and at the same time strategically put down our sense of self, and relax into the regenerative space arising when we do so. As well as practising both individually, it is very important to practice the transition between them, so that we can move from one state to the other in a skillful & flexible way at different times during the day. This article explores how to do this.
 
Step 1: Empowering the self
Centring: Sit comfortably with your spine, neck and head aligned. Spend a little while relaxing and focusing your body-mind by breathing. As you do so breathe through the nose, and down into your lower lungs, so you are connecting your ‘nose to your belly’
 
Recognizing your self as the centre of your life:

  • Breathe into the centre of your torso, somewhere between your chest and solar-plexus. Become aware of your physical body and sensory world, recognize the sense of self that is at the centre of this experience, in the centre of your being.
  • Become aware of your mind; thoughts, ideas, feelings and desires. Observe the sense of self that lies at the centre of this experience.
  • Recognize that the ‘self’ at the centre of your bodily and mental experience is the primary causal power in what you experience and do in your life. Ideally it should be this self that leads, chooses and decides the path your life takes. If not you, then who else?
  •  Breathe with this recognition for a while, feeling the power and agency of the self that lies within you

 
Step 2: Dropping the labels around your ‘self’
This second exercise involves noticing, and then dropping all the labels that you associate with yourself;

  • The roles you play in your family
  • The roles and titles you have professionally
  • Your identification of qualities with yourself eg: strong/weak, masculine feminine and so forth

Drop all these labels that you associate with but that are not you, so that you become a man or woman of no rank or position. You can even drop the label of man, woman, human, and just become a being. Notice that the ‘self’ you now experience is mere presence and being, that you can relax into the spaciousness and freedom of.
 
Practising the transition
Either of these meditations are good to do by themselves, but it can be nice to alternate between them in a single session, for example over a 20minute meditation you could spend 5 minutes on step 1, five minutes on step 2, and then repeat. This would give you a 20minute practice where you are practicing both positions and the transitions between them.

© Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Ongoing Tues/Weds, 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course

Starts Tues/Weds, June 13th/14th – Becoming a self-determining entity – A six-week course in Mindful Self-Leadership

Tues 20th/Weds 21st June – Summer solstice balancing & renewing meditation

Saturday June 24th, 9.00am-5pm – Taoist Breathwork Day Meditation Retreat

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

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creative imagery Energy Meditation Enlightened service Life-fullness Meditating on the Self meditation and creativity Meditation and Psychology Meditation techniques Mindful Resilience Mindful Self-Leadership Mindfulness Motivation and scope Presence and being present spiritual intelligence Stress Transformation

Making yourself big

“It can be helpful to work on changing our idea of our inner self, and the scale on which it is able to work”

Dear Integral Meditators, 

Do you have a question about meditation or mindfulness?
If you have a question about meditation & mindfulness, either that you have been wondering about, or you may have asked people before but not received a satisfactory answer? If so then please send me a message with it to: info@tobyouvry.com. I’d like to start integrating some questions into my articles and videos, and it would be fun to do it with questions from you!

New course coming up: Do check out the mindful self-leadership workshop & six week course that I’ll be putting on over the weekend (the workshop), and then beginning next week (six week course).

And finally, please find below the article relating to this weeks Tuesday & Wednesday class. 

In the spirit of mindful questioning, 
 
Toby 

Making yourself big
 
When we get onto some kind of evolutionary path, we start to develop bigger intentions and aspirations. Rather than simply thinking about ourself and our close circle of family and friends in a material and temporary manner, we start to think in terms of benefitting the planet and the evolution of humanity. When this happens it can feel intimidating, ‘What can someone as small as I do in the face of such large forces? Can I really make any kid of significant impact?’
If we continue to identify our ‘self’ as being a small being trapped in a small physical body, then this can indeed feel overwhelming, as there is a mismatch between ‘self’ and ‘goal’. It can be helpful therefore to work on changing our idea of our inner self, and the scale on which it is able to work. A traditional Hermetic meditation technique is to visualize yourself as becoming very big, literally! Here is a source quote from a text called ‘the Corpus Hermeticum’:

“Increase thyself to an immeasurable height, leaping clear of all body, and surmounting all time, become eternal and thou shalt know God. There is nothing impossible to thyself. Deem thyself immortal and able to do all things…become higher than all height, and lower than all Depth…to be everything at the same time in earth and sea and heaven. Think that thou art as yet begotten, that thou art in the womb, that thou art young, that thou art old, that thou has died and art beyond death: perceive all things together…and thou shalt know God. But if thou shuttest up thy soul in thy body, and abasest thyself and sayest ‘I know nothing, I can do nothing, I am afraid of earth and sea, I cannot mount heaven, I know not what I was or what I shall be;’ then what hast thou to do with God?”

The basic idea here is that, if I identify myself as a small, limited, ignorant being, then I won’t leap beyond that limited idea of myself into my true potential. There are a lot of ideas to work with in the quote, but to make it very simple, as you sit in meditation you could imagine your body becoming larger, to the size of the room, then the house, then the apartment block, then your feet on the floor your head above the clouds, then country-size, then Planet size….You can go as big as you want or feels appropriate. As your body expands, feel your consciousness expanding with it, experience your everyday personal worries as insignificant, and yourself as a powerful effector of positive change on a great scale. If you relax and start to experiment with this, you will find your consciousness, and your sense of who you are and what you are capable of will change significantly. If you do it in a positive, balanced way all these changes can be used for the good.
 
But will I become delusional?
One fear that we may have in doing this is that we will simply become delusional, using this as a way of evading our reality and getting a completely inappropriate sense of who we are and our importance in the world. So of course, everything has to be held in balance here. If we understand the purpose of the exercise is to transcend our limited self-concept, freeing us to work in a way that currently we cannot. Understanding this specific purpose, we can do this exercise safely and get the benefits without falling into any potential dangers. It is also an exercise you can do when your ‘small self’ is simply feeling overwhelmed by life and its challenges. It can change the context of your experience very powerfully for the good.
 
Enjoy working with your ‘big body!

© Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com


All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Ongoing Tues/Weds, 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course

Saturday June 10th, 9.30am-12.30pm – Mindful Self-Leadership: A Three-hour mindfulness & meditation workshop

Starts Tues/Weds, June 13th/14th – Becoming a self-determining entity – A six-week course in Mindful Self-Leadership

Saturday June 24th, 9.00am-5pm – Taoist Breathwork Day Meditation Retreat

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

Categories
Life-fullness Meditating on the Self meditation and creativity Meditation and Psychology Mindful Self-Leadership Mindfulness

Becoming a Self-determining entity – Five stages to mindful self-leadership

“To practice self-leadership is to be creative, seeing yourself as primarily a ‘producer’ rather than a consumer in and of life. You are the artist; your life is the work of art!”

Dear Integral Meditators, 

I’ve been teaching mindful self-leadership as a central part of my training programs for about a decade now. The way I understand and practice it, with mindful self-leadership there are ‘five-selves’ you need to cultivate in order to develop your competency in this art. The article below gives an outline of the five, and some context for them. 
If you enjoy the article, then do check out the mindful self-leadership workshop & six week course that I’ll be putting on in June!

Final heads up for this Saturday’s Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat, 

In the spirit of self-leadership, 
 
Toby 

Becoming a Self-determining entity – Five stages to mindful self-leadership

I’ve been teaching mindful self-leadership as a central part of my training programs for about a decade now. The way I understand and practice it, mindful self-leadership means:

  • To become a self-determining and self-directing entity
  • To be pro-active in the face of life’s challenges and uncertainties
  • To be creative, primarily a ‘producer’ rather than a consumer in life. You are the artist; your life is the work of art!
  • To take joy in your own intelligence and its function
  • To run towards reality rather than away from it
  • To commit to developing a healthy-high functioning ego (which is a completely different thing from being an ‘egotist’!)
  • To assume radical accountability/ownership for your life

 
Below are the ‘five selves’ that you need to grow within yourself in order to become good at self-leadership. I wrote these down in 2011. With a few small edits today, they are now a part of this article, and the ‘road map’ for you to begin your own self-leadership journey. I’m leaving them as ‘cliff notes’ for you just to read over, enjoy and allow yourself to respond inwardly to the ideas they stimulate:
 
Self-Awareness – Committing to be aware of your reality, that is your feelings, needs, desires, ideas, evaluations and behavior.
 
Self-Acceptance – A refusal to turn away from, deny or disown any of your own inner experiences, behaviors, or other aspects of yourself as they arise. Self-acceptance means not necessarily to approve of these things, but to accept them as real and to accept them as your own. It means acknowledging your experience of reality not just intellectually but also emotionally and experientially.
 
Self-Responsibility – Means taking responsibility for being the cause of your own choices and the cause of one’s own actions. Not responsibility in terms of moral blame but in terms of recognizing you are the chief causal agent in your life and behavior.
More than this, self-responsibility means acceptance of full responsibility for your own existence, for your

  • Metaphysical aloneness
  • And for the achievement of your own goals; no one but you is coming to save you or take responsibility for them

Self-Assertiveness – Means being able to assert your:

  • Your desires and judgments
  • Your needs
  • Your right to exist and be happy

These first four provide the basis for you to develop the internal processes that lead a fulfilled and ethical life based around authentic value judgments and personal integrity
 
Self-transcendence (Awakening) – Means learning to recognize the formless timeless, essentially aware (and ‘enlightened’?)  dimension of yourself, integrating it into your day to day experience of who you are and what you do. Furthermore, to access the creative, regenerative, intuitive and evolutionary capacities of our transcendent-self and integrating them in real and tangible ways into our reality.
 
And these five then lead to….Self-Leadership – The capacity to lead yourself to the fulfillment of your own authentic needs, desires and happiness in life whilst simultaneously accessing your awakened self and using its capacities to live a life of service others and to the greater whole.
 
To say “I love you” one must first learn to say the ‘I’ – Ayn Rand

Related article: Egotistic or strong ego?

© Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com


All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Ongoing Tues/Weds, 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course
 

Tues 30th/Weds 31st May – Wesak meditation

Saturday May 27th, 9.30-11.30am – Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat

Saturday June 10th, 9.30am-12.30pm – Mindful Self-Leadership: A Three-hour mindfulness & meditation workshop

Starts Tues/Weds, June 13th/14th – Becoming a self-determining entity – A six-week course in Mindful Self-Leadership

Saturday June 24th, 9.00am-5pm – Taoist Breathwork Day Meditation Retreat

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

Categories
A Mind of Ease Energy Meditation Enlightened Flow Inner vision Integral Meditation Life-fullness meditation and creativity Meditation and Psychology Meditation techniques mind body connection Mindful Resilience Mindful Self-Leadership Motivation and scope Presence and being present

Hopeless relief & the brightness of optimism

“With hopelessness in place, we can then cultivate it’s ‘bright twin’, balanced optimism. It is remarkable how coming back to and centering yourself in a state of optimism can change your sense of how your life is going, and your sense of what is possible”

Dear Integral Meditators

This weeks article pairs hopelessness and optimism into a dynamic partnership that we can cultivate together to increase our energy levels, and also to make our energy more balanced and consistent. If you enjoy it, then do consider coming along live or online to this Tuesday & Wednesdays Integral Meditation class, where we will be taking it as our object of meditation. 

In the spirit of hopeless optimism, 
 
Toby 

Hopeless relief & the brightness of optimism
 
Appreciating hopelessness
Hopelessness for most of us has a strong negative connotation, and exists in our mind along with things like despair, depression, giving up and so on. As an object of meditation, we can clarify what we are working with here by defining hopelessness as simply ‘the absence of hoping for anything’. Understood this way, the practice of hopelessness then becomes the discipline of not hoping for anything, and therefore allowing our mind and energy to rest, relax and become fully present, absolutely at ease in the not-wishing/hoping to be somewhere else.
If you reflect upon it, much of the ups and downs in our life, the anxiety, the dis-ease comes from the hopes that we have in the face of the ongoing uncertainties. Often-times we get most hurt or have the most trouble recovering when one of our dearest-held hopes is not fulfilled. So, with hopelessness we are learning not to be beholden to our hopes, and also the fears that come from our hopes. We relax into the present and a type of genuine liberation that comes from strategically putting down our hopes for a while and becoming a hopeless person! Once you get a taste for how balancing hopelessness can be, you will start to feel real enthusiasm for it as an object of mindful attention.
 
Balanced optimism
With hopelessness in place, we can then cultivate it’s ‘bright twin’, balanced optimism. Here are a few of the basic characteristics of optimism, taken from my past article on ‘mindful optimism’:

  • Joyful-ness, enthusiasm
  • A sense of being supported by tangible and intangible forces in the world
  • The feeling of a bright and possibly exciting future ahead
  • The reasonable expectation good things are going to happen to you, both now and in the future
  • An expansive, bright, and comfortable feeling in the body, as if you belong in the world, and you can operate there with ease

It is remarkable how coming back to and centring yourself in a state of optimism can change your sense of how your life is going, and your sense of what is possible.
 
Putting them together
In a meditation you can practice putting these two together as a complementary pair. For example, if you had a twenty-minute meditation you could spend:

  • Five minutes putting down all hopes and relaxing into hopelessness
  • Five minutes opening to optimism, both the feeling in general, and also specific areas and instances in your life where you want to cultivate it as a supporting state
  • Five minutes return to hopelessness
  • Ending with five minutes back to optimism

As you go about your daily life, you can use them both to help each other; balanced presence through hopelessness, bright optimism to balance it out.
 
Related reading: Hopefully hopeless
Mindful optimism
Optimistic stoicism

© Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

Saturday 13th May 9am-12.30pm – Psychic & Psychological Self-defence half day workshop

Overview: This workshop aims to answer the following questions: 

  • How can I keep myself strong, directed & happy when other people around me are negative, unhappy or even consciously or unconsciously verbally/psychologically attacking me?
  • When I am under stress and can feel my own negativity, anxiety, depression, anger & so on surfacing, how can I defend myself effectively?
  • How can I cultivate awareness of the way environments and places affect my energy & protect myself from unwanted influences?
  • Is it possible to develop my own ‘psychic faculties’ & ‘inner senses’ in a way that is experiential, useful & genuine without having to buy into any form of ‘new age metaphysics’?

Read full details…


All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Ongoing Tues/Weds, 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course

Saturday 13th May 9am-12.30pm – Psychic & Psychological Self-defence half day workshop

Tues 30th/Weds 31st May – Wesak meditation

Saturday May 27th, 9.30-11.30am – Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

Categories
Biographical Insight Meditation Integrating Ego, Soul and Spirit Life-fullness Meditating on the Self Meditation and Psychology Motivation and scope Presence and being present

Relaxing into who you are – Mindfulness around reputation

“Generally, I’ve noticed that caring less and caring appropriately about reputation doesn’t harm it in ways that really matter too much, and that good people are often drawn to me turning up authentically and offering something genuine”

Dear Integral Meditators, 

This weeks article looks at reputation as an object of mindful attention, if you enjoy it, do feel free to join us for this week’s Tuesday & Wednesday meditation class, where we shall be taking it as out subject for meditation.

Heads up for two events next week: Starting Tues/Weds April 11th/12th , 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course & Saturday 15th April 9am-12.30pm – Meditations for Developing the Language of Your Shadow Self Workshop

In the spirit of the life-eternal, 
 
Toby 

Relaxing into who you are – Mindfulness around reputation

‘PROPHECY’ By Anthony De Mello
“I wish to become a teacher of the Truth.”
“Are you prepared to be ridiculed, ignored and starving till you are forty-five?”
“I am. But tell me: what will happen after I am forty-five?”
“You will have grown accustomed to it.”
 
The above story is one of my favourites, I mention it quite often in my trainings and coaching sessions. Over the years it has really helped my to relax into who I am, do the work that I want to do and, based upon that invite others to participate in a way that I can make a living
 
Are you prepared to be ridiculed, ignored and starving till you are forty-five?
With reputation, its worth looking at the attachments and anxieties that we have around it. Naturally we don’t want to be ridiculed or thought of as stupid, we want affirmation from others. Naturally we don’t want to be ignored, we want to feel that we have value and that that value is recognised. The thought of not having enough resources to survive haunts us, and we feel we need to make friends and allies to help us avoid that ( even though for the most part we are well beyond the point of completely running out of food and money). All of this is understandable, but it becomes a problem when we start to change ourself and divert from our own basic authenticity in order to gain or sustain a ‘good reputation’ with others and in our community.
I stated relating this story when I was around 40 years old (I misread the age in the text). When I told it I told it in relation to the work of being an independent mindfulness and meditation teacher, outside of the mainstream plying my trade and encouraging participation. I had struggled somewhat up to that point with the task of being happy to stick to my guns in terms of my work, and not be too bothered who liked it, disliked it or just wasn’t interested. I wanted to be thought well of, be recognised and rewarded when I set out my stall and made an offering. By the time I hit 40 however it had started to be more of an amusing game to me, ‘rejected’ or ‘ignored’ had become something I had accepted as a normal part of things. There was a real liberation that came from this in two ways:

  • Firstly, my peace of mind and equanimity in the face of reputational concerns increased
  • Secondly, I felt free-er to simply turn up and be myself, offer what I had to offer and relax into the effects/consequences of that

Another couple of effects were:

  • I started enjoying my work more, and engaging with more enthusiasm
  • I noticed that, when people did like what I did, or connected with what I offered, it felt stronger; what I gave out tended to come back

 
Letting go of over-concern won’t harm your reputation
I’m not suggesting here that you completely don’t give a sh*t about what others think of you, just that you:

  • Recognize and release over-concern around reputation
  • Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of your reputation
  • Make the cultivation of your reputation an aspect of your curiosity, creativity and ethics, rather than neurosis and insecurity
  • Value your reputation with the people that you value, and that value you, rather than ‘everyone’
  • Become good at affirming your own fundamental value and worth instead of needing that affirmation from what others think of you

Generally, I’ve noticed that caring less and caring appropriately about reputation doesn’t harm it in ways that really matter too much, and that good people are often drawn to me turning up authentically and offering something genuine.
Back in my Tibetan Buddhist days reputation was amongst four domains to cultivate even-mindedness around:

  • Pleasure and pain
  • Loss and gain
  • Praise and blame
  • Good reputation bad reputation

Even-mindedness around of them has substantial rewards, ‘reputational even-mindedness’ is a base for types of happiness and confidence that cannot be had when we are at the mercy of the opinions of others. And you probably won’t starve, either.

Related reading: The experiential self: Meditation, vividness & charisma

© Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com


All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Sat & Sunday 1st, 2nd April – Two day integral meditation retreat

Starts Tues/Weds April 11th/12th , 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course

Saturday 15th April 9am-12.30pm – Meditations for Developing the Language of Your Shadow Self Workshop

Saturday April 29th, 9.30-11.30am – Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat

Tues 30th/Weds 31st May – Wesak meditation

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

Categories
Inner vision Insight Meditation Life-fullness meditation and creativity Meditation and Psychology Meditation techniques Mindful Self-Leadership Presence and being present Stress Transformation Using the Energy of Negative Emotions

Discovering the pleasure of alone

“Enjoying your alone time then offers a whole new experience of being in the company of others. You can enjoy humans and other living beings for what they have to offer, and for the joy of connection, rather than the fear of loneliness”

Dear Integral Meditators, 
This week’s article explores our relationship to being alone, and how to move from being lonely to enjoying being alone. 
This Tuesday & Wednesday is the annual Spring Equinox balancing and renewing meditation , with the Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat on the Saturday. You are welcome to join either or both, live or online.

Finally, heads up for the next major weekly meditation series starting mid-April: Starts Tues/Weds April 11th/12th , 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course

In the spirit of alone not lonely, 

Toby 

Discovering the pleasure of alone

In this article I want to focus on a few points that lie between going from feeling lonely to the pleasure of being alone. It’s a huge advantage to feel comfortable being alone, and is entirely complementary to a real and deep enjoyment of being in the company of others.

Mammalian and existential loneliness
As humans we are naturally a fairly lonely lot. On the mammalian level we crave the security of the pack, and tend toward a primal nervousness and vulnerability when alone because of this. We also have a natural and understandable desire to be seen and appreciated by others as an affirmation of our fundamental value. On a deeper existential level there is also the challenge of knowing that we are all alone in our experience, no one can truly know us and what we are going through. This is something that we tend to resist, trying very hard instead to been seen, heard and recognised by others.  All of this becomes particularly acute if our self-image, and therefore or basic sense of our value and capability is shaky.

Avoiding alone because of loneliness
For all the reasons above we can find ourselves avoiding being alone in order to avoid having to confront our loneliness. This then means that we miss out on all the opportunities to experience what you might think of as the joy of being alone. After all, people can be quite bothersome, and this can be compounded by our own neediness of them. These two together often results in us seeking people out, and then at the same time disliking being in their company, which is a bit of a lose-lose situation!

Reframing alone

  • Being alone is a way to re-connect to yourself, and make your own inner connection to yourself warm, healthy and stable
  • It’s time to catch up with yourself, heal your wounds and return to wholeness
  • Being alone is freedom to enjoy your own company and not be obligate to others for that time
  • It’s time to enjoy your creativity and imagine new possibilities
  • It’s time to recover your energy
  • It’s time to connect to silence, or at least less inner noise
  • It’s time for you to arrange your thoughts and thinking in a way that sets you up for success in life
  • And of course, it’s time to meditate and pursue your other interests

What other reasons can you think of to help you start looking forward to the next time you are alone?

Meditation and the freedom of alone
Meditation of course is, at least in part the art of enjoying being alone. Before you start to really enjoy being alone, meditation is a great place to start learning how to enjoy being alone, to notice and make peace with your loneliness, and the other reasons that compel you to seek out company as a way of avoiding yourself. If you sat for five-ten minutes each day for the next week, oriented your mindful attention around the ‘reframe list’ above you might find yourself enjoying it faster than you think.

Happy alone, happy in company
Enjoying your alone time then offers a whole new experience of being in the company of others. Rather than being there because you need to be, you can be there because you want to be in their company. You can enjoy humans and other living beings for what they have to offer, and for the joy of connection, rather than the avoidance of loneliness.

Related article: Independent interdependence

© Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

Read full details


All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Tues 21st & Weds 22nd March, 7.30-8.30pm – Spring Equinox balancing and renewing meditation

Saturday March 25th, 9.30-11.30am – Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat

Sat & Sunday 1st, 2nd April – Two day integral meditation retreat

Starts Tues/Weds April 11th/12th , 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course

Saturday 15th April 9am-12.30pm – Meditations for Developing the Language of Your Shadow Self Workshop

Tues 30th/Weds 31st May – Wesak meditation

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

Categories
A Mind of Ease Enlightened love and loving Inner vision Insight Meditation Life-fullness Meditation and Psychology Motivation and scope Using the Energy of Negative Emotions

Wisdom around forgiveness 

“How many of the things that we have done or others have done to us were as a result of not knowing any better, or out of ignorance? If it was out of unknowing, then perhaps these are the things that we can start our forgiveness practice with”

Dear Integral Meditators,

 
This week’s article looks at forgiveness as an object of mindful attention and practice. As a state I find forgiveness a very ‘mind-cooling’ experinece, it’s nice just to sit in and feel your inner temperature drifting gently down!
If you enjoy the article, then do come along to this weeks Tuesday or Wednesday class where we will be taking forgiveness as our object of meditation. 

This week is also the start of a new mini-meditation series: The Wisdom of Awakening Series: Meditations for forgiveness, Eternal life & True inner fortitude. It promises to be a fun and informal way to deepen your meditation practice in unexpected and whimsical ways!

And finally, brief reminder of the Shadow meditation workshop on the 18th March, for the slightly braver and more adventurous….

In the spirit of acceptance & forgiveness, 

Toby 

Wisdom around forgiveness

Before you start reading the article, it might be worth just having a think about your current experience of forgiveness:

  • How would you define it?
  • What sort of feelings and emotions come up for you around forgiveness?
  • Are there people in your life, including yourself that you’d like to forgive?

If we think of forgiveness in broad terms as a ‘willingness or intention to let go of grudges for (perceived?) harm done, and for the anger and resentment accompanying it’. Then this, along with your own reflections gives us a basis for proceeding. Here are three mindful positions that you can take around forgiveness:

Awareness that you aren’t forgiving, haven’t forgiven, haven’t accepted
If you know you have resentment towards someone or yourself, before you start telling yourself that you need to do anything like forgiving, you need to know it is there and acknowledge that fact. If you know you are not ready to forgive, then accepting that is a good holding space. If for me the anger is still rising within me, my experience is that if I can simply acknowledge and flow with it for a while, I’ll start to move into the next stage naturally without forcing.

Accepting without forgiving
Working through your anger and resentment doesn’t necessarily mean you then forgive unconditionally. Sometimes it might feel more appropriate to focus on accepting what happened without necessarily forgiving unconditionally. It may be that you don’t feel it’s appropriate, or not your place to forgive, in which case an appropriate state of resolution and peace can be achieved through acceptance. You can read more about this position in my article ‘Acceptance or forgiveness – The difference’.

Choosing to forgive, choosing to understand
There are certain situations where you may feel that it is appropriate and beneficial to really emphasize forgiving and releasing properly. Sometimes this may be done conditionally, other times unconditionally. To do this involves:

  • Acknowledging the action
  • Accepting our feelings of anger and resentment around what has happened
  • Choosing to understand and forgive the person for their actions
  • Consciously letting go of our grudge, and wiping the slate clean in the relationship

These four stages may be something that we need to do more than once in order to really forgive, and it may be that we need to re-forgive a number of times over a period of time before we really sense that we have let go.
You might also consider that forgiveness has two major dimensions:

  • Applying it to ourselves
  • Applying it to others

Quite often the things we find really difficult to forgive in others are as a result of things that we have judged and not forgiven ourselves for. So if we are looking for a place to start, authentic forgiveness of self is a wise one!

So that’s most of what I wanted to say on the subject for now. Below is a short paragraph from ‘One Minute Wisdom’ by Anthony De Mello. How many of the things that we have done or others have done to us were as a result of not knowing any better, or out of ignorance? If it was out of unknowing, then perhaps these are the things that we can start our forgiveness practice with.

‘UNDERSTANDING’
“How shall I get the grace of never judging my neighbour?”
“Through prayer.”
“Then why have I not found it yet?”
“Because you haven’t prayed in the right place.”
“Where is that?”
“In the heart of God.”
“And how do I get there?”
“Understand that anyone who sins does not know what he is doing and deserves to be
forgiven.”

© Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

Read full details


All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Starts Tuesday /Wednesday 23/24th March – The Wisdom of Awakening Series: Meditations for forgiveness, Eternal life & True inner fortitude

Saturday 18th March – Finding Freedom From What Holds You Back in Life: Practical meditations & techniques for working with your shadow-self

Tues 21st & Weds 22nd March, 7.30-8.30pm – Spring Equinox balancing and renewing meditation

Saturday March 25th, 9.30-11.30am – Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat

Sat & Sunday 1st, 2nd April – Two day integral meditation retreat

Starts Tues/Weds April 11th/12th , 7.30-8.30pm – Meditations for thriving and energy creation – An eight week course

Tues 30th/Weds 31st May – Wesak meditation
 

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

Categories
Integral Awareness Integral Meditation Life-fullness Meditation and Psychology Mindful Breathing Mindful Resilience Motivation and scope Presence and being present Shadow meditation

Breathing with your inner wounds

“When we breathe with our inner wounds, the primary activity is being present to our wounds in a compassionate manner. We start to notice that the state of being warmly present to the wound starts to ‘change’ it without us trying to change it per-se”

Dear Integral Meditators, 
Breathing with your wounds is a fundamental therapeutic technique that I have been using quite a lot recently. In the article below I explain the principles and how to try it for yourself. 
Some of the deeper principles behind the below meditation can be learned and practiced in the  Shadow meditation workshop on the 18th March. If you enjoy the article, you’d be welcome to attend. 

In the spirit of healing, 

Toby 

Breathing with your inner wounds

Breathing with your wounds is a fundamental therapeutic technique that I have been using quite a lot recently. The basic principle is very simple:
As you breathe, be aware of any inner wounds, conflict or unresolved energy within yourself.

  • As you breathe in, extend the fundamental warmth of your compassion toward, around and into that area of yourself
  • As you breathe out, sustain relaxed focus on this, exposing the wound or conflict to the warm, compassionate energy

You can do this as a formal, sit down meditation, or just take it as a mood and atmosphere that you return to regularly though-out the day. For example, today is Sunday, and the pace/cadence of the day is that things are relaxed enough for me to be doing this type of breathing as I cook or walk, or am in between activities or direct interactions with others.
You can make the way in which you extend your compassion very subjective as you breathe, or you can make it slightly more objective and detached. Either works well in different ways. See my article on Building functional and wise compassion.

Compassionate presence heals
With our inner wounds it often feels as if we need to ‘do’ something in order to fix our wound. When we breathe with our wounds, the primary activity is being present to our wounds in a compassionate manner. We start to notice that the state of being warmly present to the wound starts to ‘change’ it without us trying to change it per-se. I mentioned in the paragraph above that I enjoy practising this on a Sunday. On Sunday we have the opportunity to be present to all of the half-processed emotions that are within us from the events of the week. Where we notice there is a wound or conflict, we can acknowledge and breathe with it, which will help to process it, enabling us to reset effectively for the beginning of the next week.

Breathing with wounds in relationships
If your inner wounds and conflicts are with people, you can practice compassionate breathing whilst bearing in mind the other person or people involved. Again, you are not trying to ‘fix’ the relationship, just extending healing presence to it, and observing the change in your perception that starts to take place. I find this is often somewhat magical, as the tone of the relationship the next time I meet the person or people often changes for the better.

Final point, sometimes it may not be possible to extend warmth and compassion to yourself or the wound. If that’s the case, simply acknowledging it and breathing with it, letting it come and go as you breathe in and out can still be very helpful. Often doing this for a while will then enable you to access the compassionate awareness.

Related reading: Lazy compassion
Building Your Compassion and Reducing Your Own Suffering, Everyday

© Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com


All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Saturday 18th March – Finding Freedom From What Holds You Back in Life: Practical meditations & techniques for working with your shadow-self

Tues 21st & Weds 22nd March, 7.30-8.30pm – Spring Equinox balancing and renewing meditation

Saturday March 25th, 9.30-11.30am – Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat

Sat & Sunday 1st, 2nd April – Two day integral meditation retreat
 

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

Categories
A Mind of Ease Concentration Integral Awareness Life-fullness Meditating on the Self Meditation and Psychology Meditation techniques Mindful Confidence Mindful Self-Leadership Mindfulness Presence and being present

On meditation & ‘tantric self-esteem’

“Essentially then, to sit in your own company with ‘tantric self-esteem’ means to relate with feeling of warm friendliness (self-respect) toward yourself, and a confidence in your fundamental efficacy or adequacy to life”

Dear Integral Meditators, 

Why is it so difficult to sit in the present? In my previous article on ‘Making it easier to focus deeply‘ I look at one aspect of this. In the article below I continue that exploration. 
If you enjoy the article, do pop down either live or online to the Tuesday or Wednesday evening meditation class, where we shall be exploring this theme experientially. 

In the spirit of presence,
 
Toby 

On meditation & ‘tantric self-esteem’
 
The problem: To be present means to become more self-aware
One of the challenges that we face with meditation is that it makes us more present, which in turn brings us into a more conscious relationship to ourself and what is going on within ourselves. Of course, that is also the benefit and opportunity of meditation. But, if you don’t have a great relationship to yourself, and if there are things about yourself in the moment (body awareness, thoughts, emotions) that make you uncomfortable, then trying to be more present often becomes the last thing that you want to be! Much more attractive to be lost in thought, distracted, not present.
So, in a sense the art of meditation begins with getting comfortable with yourself in the moment.
 
The characteristic of good quality self-esteem
Who feels comfortable with and by themselves in the moment? One answer to this is someone with healthy self-esteem. What does that mean? Here is a working definition of self-esteem from Nat Branden:
“Despite the abundance of books, studies, workshops and committees devoted to the subject of self-esteem, there is little agreement about what it means. Self-esteem has two essential components:

  • Self-efficacy: Confidence in the ability to cope with life’s challenges. Self-efficacy leads to a sense of control over one’s life.
  • Self-respect: Experience oneself as deserving of happiness, achievement and love. Self-respect makes possible a sense of community with others.

Self-esteem is a self-reinforcing characteristic. When we have confidence in our ability to think and act effectively, we can persevere when faced with difficult challenges. We succeed more often than we fail. We form more nourishing relationships. We expect more of life and of ourselves.
If we lack confidence, we give up easily, fail more often and aspire to less. We get less of what we want.”
Essentially here then, to sit in your own company with self-esteem means to sit with a feeling of warm friendliness (self-respect) toward yourself, and a confidence in your fundamental efficacy or adequacy to life.
 
Tantric self-esteem: Sitting ‘as if’
Tantric practice in meditation is essentially to act ‘as if’. You use your imagination to bring the desired result into the present. In this case we are concerned with self-esteem, so in meditation we sit down and become present to ourself ‘as if we already had healthy functional self-esteem’:

  • As we sit and become present to our body-mind in the moment we extend warm, friendly, respectful feelings to ourself, as if we deserved a healthy degree of basic joy and wellbeing
  • We sit with ourselves as if we were siting with someone we trusted and whose fundamental capability we feel confident in

If we sit in this way, then the present moment, and our awareness of ourselves becomes a comfortable, attractive place to be. It is a place where we feel safe and welcome, as if in the company of a really good friend.
Done in this way, meditation becomes much less effortful because our resistance to the present is much reduced, it’s a place we like to be rather than have a vested interest in avoiding!
 
Practice
You can try it for a few minutes a day, just sitting and breathing with yourself and your tantric self-esteem. If you can familiarize yourself with this feeling and experience, then you will start to notice it becoming a normal part of the way you relate to yourself. This is not just in meditation, but in your daily activities, your way of going, being and interacting with the world.

 © Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

Saturday 11th February, 9am-12.30pm – Wabi-Sabi mindfulness – The art of creative leadership and self-leadership workshop

In a sentence: Learn how to work creatively with uncertainty, imperfection and life’s inherent messiness to realize your leadership and self-leadership potential.  Manage stress and anxiety better using mindfulness in combination with the practical philosophy of Wabi-Sabi.

Wabi-Sabi is one of the definitive aesthetic movements to emerge from Japan. With origins starting in the early 15th Century and influenced from Zen Buddhism, Wabi-Sabi became an aesthetic found in the arts and crafts such as ceramic, flower arranging and interior design. It also became a practical philosophy and approach to life. Principle aspects of Wabi-Sabi include:

  • An appreciation of the beauty of the impermanent, the imperfect and incomplete
  • A recognition of the value of humility
  • A willingness to engage with the unconventional

Mindfulness is the art of attention training and presence….read full workshop details


All upcoming classes and workshops at IMA:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Ongoing – Introduction to Integral Meditation & Mindfulness Practice – An eight-week course

Saturday 11th February, 9am-12.30pm – Wabi-Sabi mindfulness – The art of creative leadership and self-leadership workshop

Saturday February 26th, 9.30-11.30am – Monthly Qi Gong & Taoist Breathwork Clinic & Mini-retreat
 

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

Categories
Energy Meditation Inner vision Integral Awareness Life-fullness Meditation and Psychology Meditation techniques mind body connection Mindful Breathing Presence and being present Uncategorized

Making it easier to focus deeply

“Our unresolved feelings and emotions in our body are like a spiky outer layer that repels our awareness, and prevents our mind form using the most obvious ‘landing place’ for attention to stabilize in the present. In this way we become alienated from our body and ‘locked out’ of stability in the present”

Dear Integral Meditators,

Why is it really so difficult for us to stabilize our focus? There are a number of reasons, but the article below outlines one and a method that we can use to make focusing much easier, quite quickly, with all the benefits that follow from it!

If you enjoy the article, then this weeks meditation classes on Tuesday & Wednesday will be focusing on it. You are welcome to join us, either live or online.

In the spirit of  warmth, 

Toby 

Life-fullness – The Integral Life-Coaching Program with Toby

Special offer until 21st January: 15% off all 3 or 6 month programs!

Are you looking a coach who can help you to:

  • Meet the challenges, stress and changes that you face in a more effective and mindful way
  • Become happier within yourself, in your relationships and at work
  • Be actively accountable for finding a sense of balance/well-being in your life and fulfilling your personal potential?
  • Guide you to find and operate from a deeper sense of meaning, motivation and connectivity in your life?

Read full details…

Article: Making it easier to focus deeply

Sensory meditation, the gateway to stability
In general, the stable-est and easiest way to build basic mindful focus is to use your body and senses. Whenever your attention rests on your senses, by default your mind becomes less busy. This is because your body, breathing and senses are non-conceptual objects. They are always in the present moment and so, to the degree that we can get our attention on them we can become more naturally focused in the present.

The challenge with the body and senses as an object of meditation
So, in theory, simply focusing on your body and breathing should make it easy to become more present-focused quite rapidly. However, one reason that we find it quite (even very) difficult to focus on our body and breathing is because our body is where we store all our feelings and emotions on an energy level. If we have a lot of stress, conflicting emotion and tension in our body, then to become more present to our body means to become aware of all of these things. So, often unconsciously people avoid awareness of their body in order to avoid awareness of uncomfortable feelings. Our unresolved feelings and emotions in our body are like a spiky outer layer that repels our awareness, and prevents our mind form using the most obvious ‘landing place’ for attention to stabilize in the present. In this way we become alienated from our body and ‘locked out’ of stability in the present.

Committing to acceptance, warmth, friendliness
When we come to mindful awareness of the body then, we need to be ready to work with the feelings that we find in the body. The simplest way to do this is simply to commit to extending warmth and support to whatever feelings that we find in the body, even if they are uncomfortable. This way, rather than running away into our thoughts, we can relax into the body, even if some of the things that we find there are not always pleasant.

At home in the body, easy to focus
By extending warmth to the body and feelings in the body we can make it like a home; a place that we came back to and find rest and relief from the challenges of our daily life. Not only this, but we find that our mind becomes clearer and easier to focus, because it has a point of stability in the present. Overall, we start to feel stronger and clearer in the face of life and the things that it throws at us.  

Practical: Witnessing the body, like the sun
In meditation turn your attention specifically to the body in, let your attention rest upon and within your body like the sun shining its light. In this context the sun has two qualities:

  • It shines its light impartially and unconditionally
  • The light is warm

You can imagine this as if you were sitting outside with the sun shining down from outside you in the sky. Or, if you like you can imagine it sitting in your chest, shining light from within.
As you encounter your body with your sun like awareness, feel it melting away stress and uncomfortable feelings with its warmth. As you are doing this, some of the feelings will take a while, so don’t be in a hurry. Try and make your body a place that, even there are difficult feelings within it, you can come home to and be present in, finding stability, focus and warmth there.

Related reading: Witnessing like the sun
Your body of presence – Sitting sumo style

 © Toby Ouvry 2023, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

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Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology