Category: Enlightened love and loving

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creative imagery Energy Meditation Enlightened love and loving Integral Meditation Life-fullness Meditating on the Self Meditation and Psychology Meditation techniques Mindful Self-Leadership Presence and being present

The state of connected

“The capacity to enjoy a benevolent intimate connection to ourself is a key energizing force. If we feel comfortable on our own skin, if we like who we are and spending time with ourself, if we can trust ourself to be on our own side, then we will feel confident and energised when alone”

Dear Integral Meditators,

This weeks article is an exploration of the state of connection. If you enjoy it, we will be exploring it in the Tuesday and Wednesday meditation class.

In the spirit of connection,

Toby

 

 

 

The state of connected (A node in a web)

Instinctively as humans we feel strengthened and energized by a sense of community and connection. Here are four ways that you can mindfully cultivate a state of connection and the benefits that it brings.

  1. Independent interdependence – The first observation is that, on one level, the notion of independence and separation is an illusion. We are in a dependent relationship to others in a myriad of ways. The food we eat, the clothes we wear all come from the work of others. Nominally independent, the reality is that we live in a state of continuous interdependence on others. Just this recognition can help is to start to appreciate connection and relationship in a different way. We want to combine our sense of independence and interdependence into a complementary whole.
  2. Connected to yourself, comfortable in your own skin – We are in relationship to others, but for most of us the first disconnect happens with ourself. The capacity to enjoy a benevolent intimate connection to ourself is a key energizing force. If we feel comfortable on our own skin, if we like who we are and spending time with ourself, if we can trust ourself to be on our own side, then we will feel confident and energised when alone.
  3. Supported by others – When you aren’t feeling good about yourself, or if you are feeling tired, we can start to unconsciously self-isolate, and feel lonely, without support. Deliberately remembering and opening to the relationships we have with others whose basic intention toward us is supportive and benevolent is a simple and powerful way to calm and energize ourselves as we go through challenges.
  4. Environmental connection & participation – There is a three-way connection that you can be aware of here; the earth/planetary being beneath you, the sky, stars and universe above (and around in the big sense of the word) you, and the landscape and forces of nature immediately around you. When you are surrounded by an artificial and man-made environment, it is easy to forget and cease to leverage upon the natural communion and connection that we have with the planet, nature and the universe.

An image for connection – A node in a web
Imagine your energy field around you like a ball of light. Imagine it to be like a node or connecting point in a huge web of energetic connection above you, below you, around you. You can see the threads of this web extending from your energy field to other nodes; people and nature around you, the planet beneath you, the stars, sun and moon above. Imagine yourself being fed with positive energy by all of the threads connecting your energy field to these other sources. You can also feel yourself giving energy to those around you via these threads. You are giving and receiving in a way that is creating energy and wellbeing for both you and those you are connected with. You can focus on the feeling of being generally connected, or on your connection to particular people or sources. Relax with this image and with the feeling of being connected for as long as you want. Allow it to give you a sense of your own living state of connection, and the energy that it makes available to you.

Article © Toby Ouvry 2021, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com  

Saturday 27th March, 10.30-12.30 & 3-5pm – Psychic & Psychological Self-defence Master class & retreat

In a sentence: Learn how you can effectively defend yourself from negative people, energies and places outside of yourself, as well as the fears and problematic emotions that you feel present within yourself using simple & specific mindfulness & meditation techniques.

Overview:

  • How can I keep myself strong, directed & happy when other people around me are negative, unhappy or even consciously or unconsciously verbally/psychologically attacking me?
  • When I am under stress and can feel my own negativity, anxiety, depression, anger & so on surfacing, how can I defend myself effectively?

Read full details

Tues 23rd & Weds 24th March – Spring Equinox balancing and renewing meditationThe Spring Equinox in the northern hemisphere marks the mid-point between the cooler, darker seasons of the year and the lighter, warmer ones. The forces of day and night, light and dark are of equal strength. As such it represents time to emphasize balance and harmony, both in our life and meditation practice.

It is also good time to attune the life-force in the earth and creative energies within ourselves. We will be taking the time to get in touch with the new ideas, energies and creativity within ourselves as they emerge like new plants and flowers in spring…read full details

Life-fullness – The Integral Life-Coaching Program with Toby

Are you looking a coach who can help you to:

  • Meet the challenges, stress and changes that you face in a more effective and mindful way
  • Become happier within yourself, in your relationships and at work
  • Be actively accountable for finding a sense of balance/well-being in your life and fulfilling your personal potential?
  • Guide you to find and operate from a deeper sense of meaning, motivation and connectivity in your life?
Read full details…

All upcoming classes and workshops for at IMA in December:

Ongoing – Weekly Tuesday, Wednesday Online class schedule

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Starts Tuesday/Wednesday evening February 23rd/24th – Meditations for thriving and energy creation amidst Covid – A seven week course

Saturday 27th March, 10.30-12.30 & 3-5pm – Psychic & Psychological Self-defence Master class & retreat

Tues 23rd & Weds 24th March – Spring Equinox balancing and renewing meditation

Tues 23rd & Weds 24th March – Full Moon Meditation & Manifestation Session

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

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creative imagery Energy Meditation Enlightened love and loving Life-fullness meditation and creativity Meditation and Psychology Meditation techniques Mindful Breathing Mindful Resilience Mindfulness

Connecting to your circle of strength

“Open to the feeling of being supported as you go about your day; recognizing that you are not alone in the world, and that you have genuine support available to you at all times”

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Dear Integral Meditators,

Mindfulness in and with your relationships can be genuinely transformative.  This weeks article looks at one way to start tapping into its power!

Reminder that the Men’s group re-starts next Monday, and of this Saturday’s Monthly Full Moon Meditation & Manifestation Session from 6.30-7.30pm!

In the spirit of supporting each other,

Toby

 

 

Article: Connecting to your circle of strength

On a very primal, mammalian level, we draw strength from the feeling of belonging to a group, a family or a tribe. Being mindful of who your ‘core circle of support or strength’ is in your life is a simple but profound practice that, once we start it becomes a reliable source of strength and stability as we navigate life’s ups and downs.

Giving and receiving: Two basic aspects of relational health
Before we get to our core circle, I want to mention two aspects of relational health that are kind of like you left and right hand; they are fundamental. The first is knowing how to receive; to receive support and love from others (and yourself), to let it in. the second is knowing how to give; to give love and support to others (and yourself). By knowing how to both give and receive we set up a mutually re-enforcing loop of good energy between ourself and others that is deeply conducive to psychological health and wellbeing. Too much or not enough of either can move us into a state of imbalance. You’ll probably find you are better at one or the other, but you need both!

Identifying your core circle
So then, if you consider your life now, who are the 3-5 core people around you that you trust? These are people who you can rely upon to support you/extend love to, and vice-versa. Take a while to identify who they are, and then visualize them around you or beside you. As you do so see them smiling at you. Feel the support and trust that lies between you and them.

Building strength
As you breathe in, see if you can open your heart and body to receiving the love and support from your core circle. Do this for a while, then, as you breathe out, practice giving your love and support to them. You can then practice giving and receiving as you inhale and exhale, setting up an energetic loop of trust and support between you and your group.

Creating a variety of circles
If you like you can create different groups that you work with at different times. One could be based specifically around family, one around friends, one around professional colleagues and so on. You can even create imagined ones where you invite your heroes from literature or from history to surround you, and build a relationship with them!

There is no need to try and do it alone!
During the day, try and keep in mind your ‘Core circle of support’. Try and get used to the feeling of being supported as you go about your day; recognizing that you are not alone in the world, and that you have genuine support available to you at all times. Not feeling alone, even if we are physically alone can really help us to navigate our challenges more easily and with less stress. For the vast majority of people, their core circle already exists, its just a matter of leveraging upon it mindfully!

All upcoming classes and workshops for January 2020

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation Classes at Basic Essence with Toby

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation Classes at One Heart with Toby (East coast)

Tuesday 12.30-1.30 – Integral Meditation classes at Space2B on Stanley Street

Tues 7th & Weds 8th January – 2020 New year releasing and inviting meditation

Saturday 11th January, 6.30-7.30pm – Monthly Full Moon Meditation & Manifestation Session

Starts Monday January 13th, 6.30-8pm – The Men’s group, the path of conscious manhood

Saturday 18th January, 10.30am-12pm – Get Your Meditation Practice Started Now – The Shortest and Most Time Effective Meditation Workshop Ever

Tues 21st & Weds 22nd January, 7.30-8.30pm – Lunar New Year Meditation 2020: Developing your inner-resourcefulness & practical wisdom in the year of the Rat

Friday, Sat, Sunday 7,8,9th February & Friday, Sat, Sunday 21,22,23rd February – The Qi Gong Foundation Program & Program for coaches and trainers 

Begins Monday 13th January – The Men’s group – The Path of Conscious Manhood

How can you move from coping to thriving as a man? What are mindful the skills needed to build, emotional, and personal freedom as a man that enhances relationships, work and well-being? Find deep support from a community of men committed to bringing out the very best of what they are capable!
Click here to find out more…

 

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

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Energy Meditation Enlightened love and loving Integral Meditation Meditation techniques Mindful Breathing Mindful Resilience Mindfulness Presence and being present

Mindfully working with your physical heart

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“The principle healing agent with mindfulness is always conscious awareness itself. But there are other emotional and mental healing agents that naturally start to flow in as a result of the primary act of conscious attention.”
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Dear Integral Meditators,This weeks article focuses on the physical heart as your object of mindful attention. Enjoy!

In the spirit of heart,

Toby

Meditating with your physical heart

Mindfulness and meditation have a capacity to help the health of your physical heart, and other parts of your body. These are complementary to other strategies that we have around diet, exercise, medication and so forth. The principle healing agent with mindfulness is always conscious awareness itself. But there are other emotional and mental healing agents that naturally start to flow in as a result of the primary act of conscious attention. With this in mind here are some simple ways to get started. They can be practiced together as a sequence, or individually, as you prefer:

  1. Becoming aware of the physical heat and heartbeat: Here you simply focus your attention in the area of the chest where your physical heart is located, and sense onto it, seeing what you notice. After a while you will have a sense of your heart as an object on your chest, and you will feel the heart-beat. You can also place your hand over the chest over your heart, and use that to sense the heart-beat. Just commune with your heart gently through mindful attention.
  2. Breathing with the flow of blood: With this practice, focus on your heart and heartbeat. Sense the network of arteries and veins thru-out your body. Sense the flow of blood thru your entire body. As you breathe out, be aware of the blood flowing out into your body through your arteries. As you breathe in be aware of the blood flowing back to your heart through the veins. Relax into this process for as long as you wish.
  3. Working with the emotional qualities of the physical heart: As you focus on your physical heart, be aware of any emotions present within the heart. As you breathe in soften and open your heart, allowing yourself to feel them, as you breathe out relax into the emotions present, letting them be released or enjoyed, as feels appropriate to you.
  4. Working with ‘heart qualities’: as a variation on exercise 3, you can select particular ‘heart qualities’ that you want to bring into your heart, for example care, courage, love or compassion. As you breathe in feel the energy of the emotional quality gathering and building in your physical heart, as you breathe out feel it spreading out from your heart into the rest of your body. Build a strong sense of the presence of that emotion in your heart, and feel it gently pumping and flowing our into the rest of your body. Feel a strong connection between your physical body and the energy of this emotion.

When you do these, perhaps it will be the first time that you have ever spent so much time paying attention directly to your physical heart. It can be a very powerful experience, and the beginning of a long, healthy and fulfilling collaboration between you and your physical heart!

Article content © Toby Ouvry & Integral Meditation Asia 2019.

Upcoming classes and workshops

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm (Restarts 21st August) – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings (Restarts 13th August), 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Tuesday 12.30-1.30 – Integral Meditation classes at Space2B on Stanley Street

Saturday mornings 9-10.15am, June 15th, 29th – Qi Gong workout and meditation class

Starts Sunday November 3rd – A six week mindfulness course for adults with ADHD

Re-Starts Monday November 4th, 6-7.30pm – The Men’s Group – The path of conscious manhood

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

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Enlightened love and loving Insight Meditation Integral Awareness Life-fullness Meditating on the Self Meditation and Psychology Mindful Self-Leadership Presence and being present Primal Spirituality

From coping to thriving: The path of conscious manhood

W

Dear Toby,

What is it going to take for men to thrive in their maleness in toady’s world? The article below some practical reflections on this!

In the spirit of  benevolent manhood,

Toby

 

From coping to thriving: The path of conscious manhood

What (or where) is the path of men in today’s world?
We are all aware of the women’s movement, it’s called feminism. If you are a woman and want to explore ways of feeling more liberated and powerful, then its quite easy to find places, forums, reading around your female identity that can help you. If I then ask you ‘What is the men’s movement called?’ It is likely that you’d have to pause for a moment. Then you’d realize that there really isn’t a well-known ‘men’s movement’ whose purpose within culture is to support men. the reality is that the ‘men’s movement’ is about 30-40 years behind the women’s. This is important, because if you are a man it means that it is far more difficult to find places where you can explore your masculinity and struggles as a man. Whether they are aware of it or not, many men find themselves isolated in their struggles, and deeply confused about how to even talk about it, let alone handle it with confidence.

What is male liberation?
One helpful definition of feminism (following Ken Wilber) is ‘the liberation of women from unconscious roles’. Women can choose to be housewives, mothers, carer’s, but now they can choose to have careers, go boxing, be loud and assertive. They are (ideally) no longer bound unconsciously by traditional roles, and make their choices consciously.
The thing about this is that men have many unconscious roles too; the provider, the warrior, the strong stoic one, the silent type, the bad boy, the good boy, the ‘alpha’ male, the ‘beta’ male. The list goes on. The fact is that if you’re a guy it’s likely that:

  • You are trapped in a number of unconscious roles that you aren’t aware of
  • Its difficult to discover what they are because no one is talking about it much
  • You are suffering and struggling in a way that you needn’t because you are trapped in these roles unconsciously
  • Emotions such as guilt or shame are present for you, and your range of emotions that can give you real joy, pleasure and thriving are limited

So then, male liberation is quite simply ‘the liberation of men from their own traditional unconscious roles’. Like with women, this doesn’t mean that you can’t engage in traditional roles such as a provider or warrior, it just means you are doing it consciously, and integrating other non-traditional roles into your male path in a way that enables you to thrive and feel empowered alongside your female friends, lovers and colleagues as they tread their own path of liberation.

Some essential questions
These are either to ask yourself as a man (or to ask your male friends if you are a woman!):

  • What roles as a man am I currently trapped in? And what is the price I am paying?
  • What would my idea of my own path of ‘conscious manhood’ be? How can I start exploring and articulating it?
  • To whom do I (or could I) go to for support in my path of male liberation and thriving?
  • What can I do today to get on that path?

Article content © Toby Ouvry & Integral Meditation Asia 2019.

Upcoming classes and workshops

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm (Restarts 21st August) – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings (Restarts 13th August), 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Wednesday 12.30-1.30 – Integral Meditation classes at Space2B on Stanley Street

Saturday mornings 9-10.15am, June 15th, 29th – Qi Gong workout and meditation class

Monday Setember 2nd, 6-7.30pm – The Men’s Group – The path of conscious manhood

Starting October 5th – The Integral Meditation Program for Coaches, Counsellors and Therapists – Creating sustainable high performance and deep wellness

 

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

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Lazy compassion (compassion & care through awareness)

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“If you want to develop your compassion and caring, one of the best places to begin is by improving the quality of your attention”
Dear Integral Meditators,This week’s article focuses on a simple, profound technique for developing compassion in a way that doesn’t require a lot of effort!
The Tuesday and Wednesday evening meditation classes will be on the subject of compassion, if you fancy coming along!

In the spirit of compassion,

Toby

Special offer on Toby’s Qi gong healing sessions; 15% off until Thursday 23rd May

“Of all the different things that I tried, I found that 10-15minutes of daily Qi gong flow had the biggest and most sustainable impact on my energy levels and wellbeing…” – Click herefor more details

Lazy compassion (compassion & care through awareness)

I was doing mindfulness coaching with some executives recently. At one point in the session I asked them to complete the sentence ‘Compassion to me means…’ a number of the replies went something like this:

  • Listening more
  • Being more empathetic
  • Paying attention to the needs of others
  • Caring
  • Taking the time to understand

If you look at all the way in which they completed the sentence, you can see that all of them are simply ways of directing awareness to ourself or others:

  • Listening more begins by paying attention to others, or to ourself
  • Being empathetic to people’s needs follows from awareness
  • Caring and understanding comes quite naturally from focusing mindfully on a person or situation

From this we can see that if we want to develop our compassion and caring, all we need to do is practice being more mindfully aware, and increasing the quality of our attention. You can understand this from your own experience; if you recall the last time you really felt that someone was extending their compassion to you, you’ll see that much of that experience came from the feeling that they were paying you attention fully, in a way that made you feel understood and valued.
So ‘lazy compassion’ comes from simply recognizing that all you need to do to begin developing and increasing your compassion is to pay attention; to yourself, to others, to your environment. When you practice non-judgmental awareness of any of these things, the warmth of your own human compassion will begin to extend quite naturally to your objects of attention.

Sky and sun
Think of your awareness as being like the space of the sky, and your compassion like the rays of the sun.  Just bring your sky-like awareness to people and things, and then let the sunlight rays of your natural compassion follow the direction of your attention. In the Buddhist teachings where I first learned meditation your natural compassion was called ‘Buddha nature’; whenever our minds become clear and unclouded our natural compassion begins to shine out.

Practicing
Bring your attention to your body, sustain gentle non-judgmental awareness upon the body for a short while. Recognize that all you need to do to extend compassion to your body is to bring your attention to it; caring and compassion will follow that awareness. Do the same with your mind and emotions. Then:

  • Extend it out to include significant others in your life, then perhaps to people you don’t know or even have a difficult relationship with.
  • Extend your awareness to aspects of your environment, to the non-human creatures that are there. Make the circle of your compassion as large as you like!

In your daily life, whomever you are paying (mindful) attention to, allow your compassion to connect with them through the simple act of awareness.

Article © Toby Ouvry 2019, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com   

All Courses at Integral Meditation Asia 

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby (Bukit Timah)

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation for stress transformation and positive energy with Toby  (East Coast)

Monday 6.30-7.20 & Wednesday 12.30-1.30 – Integral Meditation classes at Space2B on Stanley Street

Saturday mornings 9-10.15am – Qi Gong workout and meditation class

Tuesday 21st&22nd May – Wesak meditation on compassion

FOR BEGINNERS: Saturday 18th May, 11-12.30pm – Get your meditation practice started now- The shortest and most time effective meditation workshop ever

 

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

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A Mind of Ease Enlightened love and loving Insight Meditation Life-fullness Meditation and Psychology Meditation techniques Mindful Resilience Mindful Self-Leadership Presence and being present Using the Energy of Negative Emotions

From resignation to positive acceptance

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“If we can make a clear distinction between acceptance and resignation, we can start practicing positive acceptance on the one hand and avoid resignation on the other”.
Dear Integral Meditators,

I hope you enjoy this week’s article on acceptance. A quick reminder of the  Stress-transformation coaching offer details below. If your reading this and its past the expiry date, let me know and we’ll see what we can work out…

In the spirit of dynamic mindfulness,

Toby 

From resignation to positive acceptance

For many of us there can be resistance to the idea of acceptance because we mistake it with resignation or giving up. It can be useful to make a clear distinction between them, so we can practice positive acceptance on the one hand and avoid resignation on the other.

Healthy acceptance involves a wholehearted acceptance of our reality, of something that has happened. It is reality oriented and acts as a basis for moving forward:

  • I accept that although I wanted to get the job, I didn’t.
  • I accept that this person manipulated me, I can see it now.
  • I accept that I am still a bit sad about X…

For acceptance to move to resignation, there needs to be added to this a ‘negative’ belief about our life in general:

  • I accept that although I wanted to get the job, I didn’t, and this always happens to me, I never get the break!
  • I accept that this person manipulated me, I can see it now. The world is full of manipulators trying to make a victim of me…
  • I accept that I am still a bit sad about X, why is my life always so full of misery?

To avoid resignation and move to ‘positive’ or dynamic acceptance, we can practice mindfully adding a sentence to it that helps us move forward optimistically:

  • I accept that although I wanted to get the job, I didn’t. But I learned a lot, and I have another interview tomorrow!
  • I accept that this person manipulated me, I can see it now. Boy, this experience is going to help me be less naïve in the future, I’m glad I had it.
  • I accept that I am still a bit sad about X…but I’m less sad than I was last month, and its natural to feel sad when you lose something that you value…

What are the situations in your life where you can practice moving from resignation to positive acceptance?

Related article: Acceptance and forgiveness – The difference

Article © Toby Ouvry 2019, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com   

All Courses at Integral Meditation Asia 

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation Classes at Basic Essence with Toby

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation Classes at One Heart with Toby (East coast)

Monday 6.15-7.15 & Wednesday 12.15-1.15 – Integral Meditation classes at Space2B on Stanley Street

Saturday mornings 9-10.15am, April 20th & 27th – Qi Gong workout and meditation class

FOR BEGINNERS: Saturday 27th April, 11-12.30pm – Get your meditation practice started now- The shortest and most time effective meditation workshop ever

Saturday 4th May, 10am-4.30pm – An introduction to meditation from the perspective of Shamanism

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology

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creative imagery Enlightened love and loving Integral Meditation Integrating Ego, Soul and Spirit Meditating on the Self Meditation and Psychology Shadow meditation

Your Shadow Child

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“To connect to our child within us and draw upon its creative power, we need to connect with it on its level without judgment, to learn to speak its language.”

Dear Integral Meditators,

This weeks article focuses on mindfulness of your inner child, and ways to connect to its power in ways that can add to your quality of life and wellbeing.

For those in Singapore, a reminder of the Meditations for developing the language of your shadow self workshop this coming Saturday, 2-5.30pm.

In the spirit of bright shadows,

Toby

The Shadow Child

The shadow is 
The ‘shadow self’ is that part of our mind and self that we have rejected and pushed so deeply into our unconscious awareness such that often we are not even consciously aware that it exists. However, from its position within the unconscious mind our shadow self remains active, influencing our behaviour and causing us to behave in ways which seem to be difficult for us to understand. The shadow has both a ‘dark’ side and a ‘bright’ or golden side.

The child self is
That part of us that is child-like in nature. You could say it has three aspects:

  • That part of us that is simply child like in nature; playful, naive, creative, innocent, gullible, needs looking after and so on
  • The historical child, that is the child within us whose character has been shaped and informed by our own literal historical upbringing; experience with parents, peers and other significant others, what happened to us in school, how we were treated and learned to gain approval and so on. The child within us now that is a product of our personal historical experience, and our response to that
  • The spiritual child within us – that part of us that is ever young, ever new, ever creative, ever both innocent and wise, whose light helps us begin again each time we burn out.

The shadow child is
Any part of our child like nature, historical child or spiritual child that we have repressed and rejected, that we are afraid of, that we have neglected, which remains unhealed and damaged, which we have turned away from.

Why you need to connect and make friends with your shadow child
Because if you do not do so parts of your damaged, fearful and disowned child will continue to sap your energy, sabotage your happiness and make joy, love and wellbeing difficult goals for you.
Because if you do not the radiant, optimistic, strong joyful and creative child that lives within you will remain un-expressed, un-enjoyed and undiscovered.

A personal example
Earlier this week I went on holiday to the beach. On the first night I woke up in the early morning in my beach hut. For some reason I started thinking about things like insurance, what could go wrong in my life and was overwhelmed by a feeling of stress and anxiety. I asked to my mind “Why are you feeling so anxious all of a sudden?” A small, scared, high voice replied “Because the world is such a large and scary place”. That voice was an example of one of the ways in which my shadow child exists and speaks within my psyche. I relaxed, opened to the feelings of my child self, accepted them with care and allowed them to wash over and through me. After a while they subsided and I went back to sleep feeling fine.
From this short example you can see that one of the reasons we often reject our child self is because the voice that it speaks in is so child-like. We often dismiss it as nonsense and bury the feelings that are attached to the voice and the inner child that it came from. As a result the fear remains within us, and continues to affect us even thought we have dismissed it from our conscious mind.
To connect to our child self we need to connect with it on its level without judgment, to learn to speak its language.

Article and pictures © Toby Ouvry 2019, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com   

All Courses at Integral Meditation Asia 

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation Classes at Basic Essence with Toby

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation Classes at One Heart with Toby (East coast)

Monday 6.15-7.15 & Wednesday 12.15-1.15 – Integral Meditation classes at Space2B on Stanley Street

Saturday mornings 9-10.15am, March 30th, April 27th – Qi Gong workout and meditation class

FOR BEGINNERS: Saturday 30th March, 11-12.30pm – Get your meditation practice started now- The shortest and most time effective meditation workshop ever

Saturday 30th March 2-5.30pm – Meditations for developing the language of your shadow self

APRIL

Tues & Weds 2nd/3rd April – Monthly astrological meditation – Aries – I Am: Developing confidence in yourself and your identity in the world

Saturday 13th April 9.30am-12.30pm – Meditations for transforming negativity and stress into positivity and enlightenment

Integral Meditation Asia

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Four ways of being mindful in relationships

Dear  Integral Meditators,

How can you use mindfulness to improve your relationship wisdom? The article below offers some specific pointers for practice!

In the spirit of wise relating,

Toby

Four ways of being mindful in relationships

Mindfulness is about training your attention in specific ways. In each area of your life there are ways of paying attention that are going to be particularly useful for mastering that particular domain of experience. Its not like there is just one way of being mindful that you master. For every activity you need to identify the specific ways of paying attention that will going to help you become more mindfully effective in that area. In mindful relationships there are four objects of attention that can be particularly useful to bear in mind and pay attention to. These are the first, second and third person perspectives, plus what you might call a ‘we perspective, or ‘we space’. These perspectives each reveal a particular dimension of how the relationship is playing out, and gives you information that can be helpful in finding a solution to problems and encouraging harmony and well-being.
I’ll explain these four perspectives below. To do this as an exercise as you are reading, it might be useful at this point to bring to mind one of your own relationships that you want to look into. It could be a personal one with a lover or family member, or a professional one such as with a colleague or business partner.

The first-person perspective – What it looks like from your point of view.
The first-person perspective is what the situation in the relationship looks like from your personal point of view; from ‘my point of view’, ‘how I see it’. What are you experiencing? What are your feelings, needs, desires and wishes? How do you experience the other person and their behaviour? Spend time opening to awareness of what your experience is in the relationship. Its really important to know where you stand and what’s going on for you!

The-second person perspective – Their point of view
This second point if view means looking at the situation from the other person(s) point of view. How are they feeling, why are they speaking in the way they are? What is their body language communicating? What is their mindset and values? Here you get out of your perspective and try and inhabit their POV as fully as possible. Use your imagination and intuition to ‘walk a mile in their shoes’. Try and understand their perspective as experientially as possible.

The third person perspective – Being a ‘fly on the wall’
In this third position, you observe the interaction impartially. This objective, 3rd person perspective is like being a fly on the wall; you are not personally interested in any of it. You are just gathering information, taking notes, being as empirical as possible. You’ll find this reveals a very different understanding from positions one and two!

Position four – The ‘we space’
This fourth position observes the interactive space that you create between each other, or in the group. You find it by asking questions like ‘What is the dynamic of my relationship with this person?’ and ‘What do we thrive on together, and what creates friction between us?’ Your ‘we space’ is the unique culture that exists in any relationship that you have with another person. Attention to how that dynamic works will give you important insights into what you can do and how you can behave to improve its quality.Any relationship you have that you want deeper insight into, or want to improve, try taking each of these four perspectives regularly, and then acting upon the insights that you glean from them. Happy observing! R

Related articles:  Cultivating Mindful Relationships
Four Methods for Cultivating Mindful Relationships
Dealing mindfully with anger and conflict in your relationshipsRelated coaching with Toby: Handle stress and have peace of mind

​© Toby Ouvry 2018, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

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Giving your heart whole (Creating a ‘high functioning’ heart)

Dear Integral Meditators,

In order to get the most out of life, you have to give yourself whole heartedly to it without holding back. But what happens when you give yourself whole heartedly to a person, a project or a cause, and you get hurt, abused, rejected or taken advantage of? This weeks article offers a few perspectives on how to keep giving your heart to life without worrying too much about getting it broken!

In the spirit of the high performance heart,

Toby

Giving your heart whole (Creating a ‘high functioning’ heart)

In order to get the most out of life, you have to give yourself whole heartedly to it without holding back. But what happens when you give yourself whole heartedly to a person, a project or a cause, and you get hurt, abused, rejected or taken advantage of?
Inevitably in life we get our heart wounded. People we trust turn out to be unreliable. Organizations that seem benevolent turn out to have a dark side. The reality we thought was there and that we gave our heart to turns out to be false. Sometimes it’s even malevolent, seemingly taking pleasure in the pain that we experience as a result of having our heart-felt feelings thrown back in our face. With experiences like this it is understandable that many of us become cautious, build up walls around ourselves, and wary of opening ourselves up. We’ve been hurt by opening our heart before, why take the chance of more pain by opening it again? In this article I want to offer a perspective on how to give your heart to someone or something in a way that makes continuing to give it both sustainable and enjoyable.

In romance and friendship – Giving your heart whole


One of the reasons that we get our hearts broken and wounded in love and friendship is because the heart that we are offering to the relationship is wounded and dysfunctional in the first place. If you come into a romance lonely, anxious and dysfunctional, then you are going to form a co-dependent relationship with the person. Consequently, if anything goes wrong, or they turn away from you, its going to place a wound in the already wounded or broken heart that you offered in the first place. This is going to feel really bad and take you a long time to recover from (if you even do recover properly).
The alternative to this is to do some work on yourself and your heart to make it a ‘high functioning, heart’. This means that you go into a relationship already feeling relatively whole, complete and happy within yourself. The relationship offers a further environment for you to express that already whole, complete and functional heart with another person. When you ‘give your heart’ to them, it is a whole, strong, robust heart, not a ‘heart of glass’. If the relationship then goes wrong in some way, or they behave badly, then you can simply take your heart back! Since you gave it whole, you can take it back whole. You didn’t give your heart to the person so they could ‘fix’ it, you gave it to them in celebration, in the spirit of fun, playfulness and possibility. If they were not able to reciprocate, then too bad for them, you just take your strong, whole, healthy heart back. You may feel a little disappointed or sad, but sadness can exist in a strong heart without breaking it.
In fact, if you have cultivated a high functioning heart, then giving it to someone is a kind of win-win scenario. If they reciprocate in kind, then you have a romance or friendship that can last you for a long time, even for life. But if it goes wrong, then you’ve had a good learning experience, no big harm done!
If you have a high-performance mountain bike, then you may like to take it out into the countryside and give it a thorough work-out, taking it through bumpy, muddy, wet and difficult terrain. Because it’s a good bike, its going to perform well, and you’re going to end up thinking ‘that was a great ride, I enjoyed that!’ Similarly, if you’ve invested and done the work in creating a ‘high performance heart’ then you are going to want to ‘put it through its paces’ and find things to test it against. You can ‘take it for a ride’, hit a few bumps and be pleased at how well it responds to genuine challenges.
In order to have a fulfilled life, giving your heart is really essential. But when you give it, give it whole, not broken. That way if you have to take it back, it’ll come back whole too!

© Toby Ouvry 2018, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

Upcoming Courses at Integral Meditation Asia

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation Classes at Basic Essence with Toby

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation Classes at One Heart with Toby (East coast)

Saturday 28th April, 9.30am-1pm – Finding Freedom From What Holds You Back in Life: Practical meditations & techniques for working with your shadow-self

Sunday 20th May, 10am-5pm – How to do Soul Portraits Workshop

Saturday 26th May 10am-4.30pm – Mastering your Mind Through Mindfulness Meditation Day Retreat with Toby

Integral Meditation Asia

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Caring too much?

Dear Integral Meditators,

If you think about mindfulness and meditation practice, you might think of it as a way of becoming more caring and more loving. However, our mindfulness may sometimes tell us that we need to care less. How does this work? The article below considers this question.

In the spirit of balanced caring,
Toby

Caring too much?

If you think about mindfulness and meditation practice, you might think of it as a way of becoming more caring and more loving. However, our mindfulness may sometimes tell us that we need to care less. How does this work?
The principle of the middle way indicates that any virtue practiced to an extreme becomes a vice. Too much strength without gentleness can become cruelty. Too much work-ethic without rest becomes burn-out. Similarly, too much caring without the ability to detach and be objective can get in the way of both our happiness and effectiveness. Here are three examples:

1. If I have a deal that is important to my business, and I go into a meeting with the client caring too much about the outcome, the intensity of caring may cause me to speak impulsively and come across nervous to them. This may impact their confidence in me. If on the other hand I can combine my care about the outcome with a little more objectivity and lightness, I will be free to speak and act in a more optimal manner in the meeting.

2. When I spend time with my pre-teenage daughter, sometimes she is a delight; happy and  talking freely and enthusiastically. Other times there seems to be no way whatsoever to get a positive response from her during the entire time. If I care too much about her being happy, then every time she is difficult or miserable, then my over-caring will make it impossible for me to relax. I’ll be wanting to ‘fix’ her mood all the time. I won’t be able to just let her go through her moods in a natural way. If I can dial down the intensity of my caring being a little more objective, then I won’t take her mood so personally. I’ll enjoy it when she is happy, and when she is not, if there is nothing I can do to help, then I will be able to accept her position. I can allow her to go through her process of growing up in the way she needs to, without me ‘getting in the way’!

If in my romantic relationship I care too intensely about ‘fixing’ an issue that me and my partner are having, I may not be able to let the issue go. I may over analyse it, and keep bringing it up in conversation in ways that are detrimental to the relationship. Sometimes it works best to care a little less intensely, relax and give the relationship time and room to breathe.

Note to beware of: The flip side is not caring enough:
In all the above examples it would also be a bad thing

  • To be too flippant going into a business meet. If they think you don’t care, that’s equally likely to bring a bad result
  • If I am not watching my daughter’s mood with enough care, I may fail to see when an intervention is really the best thing to do
  • Sometimes it really is the best thing to do to bring up a difficult topic with our partner, and work through it even though it is confronting.

It is all about balance, and finding the level of intensity of care that is optimal to the circumstances. Another way of saying this is that too much caring becomes attachment, and attachment brings bad results.

Mindfulness practice – Dialing the intensity your care along a scale
To develop mindfulness around caring, in any given situation ask yourself ‘What is the optimal intensity of care that I need to bring here?’ Observe whether your care is too much and getting in the way, or not enough. Gently de-intensify or intensify the level of your care so that it is ‘right’ for the circumstance. Then proceed to do what you need to do, or not-do accordingly.

Related articles:
Transforming Our Attachment into Care
For Every Suffering a Joy (Cultivating Positive Non-Attachment)
Engaged Equanimity
Is calmer always better?

© Toby Ouvry 2017, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com

Upcoming Courses at Integral Meditation Asia

Ongoing on Wednesday’s, 7.30-8.30pm – Wednesday Meditation Classes at Basic Essence with Toby

Ongoing on Tuesday evenings, 7.30-8.30pm – Tuesday Meditation Classes at One Heart with Toby (East coast)

Beginning 14th&15th November – Mastering your mind & thoughts through mindfulness – A five-week course

Saturday November 25th 10am-4pm – Mini ME Retreat #2 : Mindful Eating + Reiki Sound Bath with Tiffany Wee & Elaine Yang

Saturday December 2nd, 9.30am-12.30pm – The Six Qi Gong Healing sounds: Qi gong For Self-Healing and Inner Balance Workshop

Integral Meditation Asia

Online Courses * 1:1 Coaching * Books * Live Workshops * Corporate Mindfulness Training *Life-Coaching *  Meditation Technology