‘Positive attachment is learning to link, connect & care in ways that are balanced, appropriate, coming from an inner place of fullness rather than emptiness or lack’
Dear Integral Meditators,
This week’s article looks at some distinctions around attachment & non-attachment. There is a reall opportunity for joy & fullness when we get these distinctions right, & often a high price to be paid when we get them wrong…
If you enjoy the article you would be welcome to come along for this week’s Wednesday & Saturday classes, where we will bbe taking attachments & desires as the subject of meditation!
In the spirit of balanced linking,
Toby
Article: Distinguishing attachment, positive-attachment, non-attachment & dissociation: Finding the middle way to enjoying your life fully
Non-attachment is a major part of any path of inner growth
All the great spiritual traditions teach it in one form or another. As the Buddha said (many times in one way or another) “All suffering comes from attachment”.
Often, the way to overcome attachment we are told is to practice non-attachment. Being told this, it is very easy for us to misunderstand, and go to the extreme of dissociation (dis-association); completely cutting ourselves off from our enjoyments, emotions, passion, and enthusiasm.
As a result of falling into dissociation, we can lose our authentic connection to life, relationships and spiritual path.
By non-attachment, in the healthy sense of the word, we simply mean the ability to maintain some degree of objectivity with regard to someone or something that we are engaging with.
So, really non-attachment is a path that steers between the extremes and illusions of both imbalanced attachment and dissociation.
One further issue with dissociation is that it leads to a repression of our attachments and desires. Rather than working with them appropriately, we simply push them into our unconscious or subconscious minds, where they continue to seek out their agendas without our being fully aware of them. This in turn leads to a whole host of other secondary challenges and issues.
Let’s define our terms:
- Imbalanced attachment is a state of mind that has become so absorbed into or addicted to an activity, person or object that it cannot be happy without that “thing”.
- Dissociation is when we completely cut ourself off emotionally, personally, mentally from a person, object or enjoyment in the false belief that non-attachment means being completely above and beyond any kind of human connection, if we are enjoying ourself it must be wrong, and cannot be ‘spiritual’!
Genuine non-attachment is the key
A person who has balanced non-attachment is someone who is able to fully enjoy and engage in their relationships, work, leisure activities and so on without being totally reliant upon those things for his or her inner happiness and sense of wellbeing.
So, with non-attachment it is not just a matter of cutting ourself off from attachments, it is also avoiding the extreme of dissociation. In order to be happy, we need to feel committed to life, we need to be passionate, we need to care, we need to get emotional, we need to be able to positively direct our desires toward constructive goals.
Many well intentioned and aspiring mediators and “spiritual” people live a life of inner conflict because they think they are practicing non-attachment, when in fact they are practicing dissociation which, put bluntly, very often causes misery in the long term.
If you know the difference between attachment, non-attachment and dissociation, you can begin treading the happy, vibrant, engaged path of non-attachment in your daily life. It is a comfortable, radiant middle way that enriches us all the way up and all the way down; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
One further way of thinking about this middle path of engaged non-attachment, is as a path of ‘positive attachment’. By this I mean a path where we learn to relate and attach to people, places and things in such a way they the attachment is warm, balanced, caring, appreciative. When you ‘attach’ something to something else, you ‘link’ or ‘connect’ it. Positive attachment is learning to link, connect and care in ways that are balanced, appropriate, coming from an inner place of fullness rather than emptiness or ‘lack’.
Related articles: Going from clinging on to enjoying (Attachment to appreciation)
The middle way
© Toby Ouvry 2026, you are welcome to use or share this article, but please cite Toby as the source and include reference to his website www.tobyouvry.com
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